Tag Archives: Major Crimes

Appealing TV: Suits, Pretty Little Liars, Murder In The First, And Big Smo

While the networks are away the cable channels will play.

So, what else is on?

Monday, June 9
Major Crimes (9pm, TNT, season premiere)
The show tells you what it’s about in the title, and it’s not about a military officer with the last name of Crimes. This spin-off of The Closer has got the President of the Twelve Colonies, Laura Roslin (aka Mary McDonnell) starring in it, and no I won’t stop referring to Mary McDonell as President Laura Roslin.

Murder in the First (10pm, TNT, series premiere)
I knew TNT knew drama but I didn’t know they knew about crime too (I guess crime falls under drama’s purview). Taye Diggs (or Taye Taye as my drama teacher in high school insisted on calling him) and Steven Bochco (not sure if my drama teacher had a pet name for him) are involved in TNT’s entry in to the double super intense murder time police show, which I’m just going to call the slow murder-solve movement. You know, The Killing-esqe, meditative, slow burn of red herrings all culminating in the murder of one person. Because that way you get the whole expansive view of murder and character. Also featured is one of those cork boards with twine connecting pictures of people, places, and things.

Tuesday, June 10
Pretty Little Liars (8pm, ABC Family, season premiere)
Now that I figured out what Once Upon A Time was about, Pretty Little Liars is my new show to be confused by. (Funny both shows are under the ABC/Disney umbrella).

Chasing Life (9pm, ABC Family, series premiere)
What do you do when you are a young woman (and not a middle-aged man) facing cancer? You chase life, not break bad, if ABC Family has anything to say about it.

Royal Pains (9pm, USA, season premiere)
USA positions Royal Pains as a feel good show, and I don’t find a real salient reason to disagree, despite the fact it’s about people who don’t have adequate health care in the Hamptons who turn to private a private medical provider.

Wednesday, June 11
Suits (9pm, USA, season premiere)
Good looking people in good looking suits, misquoting legal doctrine. Of course it’d be a hit! And that’s not a bad thing!

Duck Dynasty (10pm, A&E, season premiere)
Here’s a clip of Phil Robertson saying he meant what he said last year about homosexuality is a sin. So fuck him.

Graceland (10pm, USA, season premiere)
Graceland made its debut last year, as part of the newer breed of USA shows that have a bit of an edge, a bit of a bite, a bit of darkness to contrast against the largely blue sky offerings the network has given us so far. Graceland answers the question of what happens when a group of deep-cover law enforcement agents living under the same roof stop being polite and start getting their cover identities mixed up.

Big Smo (10:30pm, A&E, series premiere)
I was first learned of Big Smo on an episode of Bar Rescue, where he was introduced as the king of country rap. But until I see a direct lineage, I refuse to acknowledge his reign. In fact, if this show’s first season isn’t about Big Smo going to the UK in order to find out his royal lineage, then making a legitimate claim at the title… This hypothetical season better culminate with him performing a show for Queen Elizabeth herself. Otherwise, give me an Action Bronson cooking show, or a show of him throwing fans off his stage at concerts.

Thursday, June 12
Gang Related (9pm, FOX)
Gang Related is to The Shield as The Following is to every murder police show on cable.

Friday, June 13
Vice (11pm, HBO, season finale)
The alt (do kids still call it that?) news magazine show ends for the year.

Saturday, June 14
In the Flesh (10pm, BBC America, season finale)
In the Flesh uses its fantastical science fiction premise (the dead come back to life, rehabilitated in society, tension occurs) to craft metaphors about how this world works, which makes it way more than a generic Walking Dead knockoff.

Sunday, June 15
Game of Thrones (9pm, HBO, season finale)
I still am in disbelief at how much Game of Thrones is this worldwide a phenomenon to be honest.

Superjail! (11:45pm, Adult Swim, season premiere)
Superjail! is equal parts ultra-violence and Tex Avery styled lunacy with a dash of David Wain as the titular Superjail!’s Willie Wonka-esqe warden.

See you next Monday!

Appealing TV: Major Crimes, Chopped, Royal Pains, and Top Hooker

On the heels of the Breaking Bad finale penned by creator Vince Gilligan that made him cry, the first one sheet and teaser trailer announcing the final eight episodes of Breaking Bad have been released. And if you’ve been making your way down to the bottom of my weekly television dispatches, I’ve been keeping a running tab counting down the days until Breaking Bad becomes Broke Bad.

So, what else is on?

Monday, June 10
Major Crimes
(9pm, TNT, season premiere)
The Closer spin-off, headed up by President Laura Roslin of the Twelve Colonies (otherwise known as Mary McDonnell) premieres its second season. Let me know when there is a show about a labia majora that solves major crimes.

Tuesday, June 11
(10pm, Food Network, season premiere)
I remember thinking that Chopped was just a cheap way for Food Network to replicate the drama of a Top Chef finale with a bunch of chef-looking types from Central Casting. With three years down and 185 episodes (!) in the can, it is probably the best show Food Network has to offer that doesn’t have Guy Fieri or total overt celebrity reality show starfucking with only the most tangental connection to food. Also, Ted Allen seems like a swell guy to spend time with.

Wednesday, June 12
Royal Pains
(9pm, USA, season premiere)
The Uproxx guide to every USA show ever will be one of the most useful things you read all summer, and a great primer for when you pitch your show to USA. And it is because of this article I learned that the star of Royal Pains, Mark Feuerstein, raps recaps to previous seasons. Which is more than alright with me.

Only in America with Larry the Cable Guy (9pm, History Channel)
Included on the sheer fact that this episode is entitled “Does Larry Eat Poop?” Remember when History channel was aired nothing but World War II documentaries? Those were the days. The greatest days for a greatest generation? Maybe.

Thursday, June 13
(9pm, A&E)
Intervention is gone, over with. A&E canceled the show in May, and will be airing the final episodes starting tonight. It’s like I’m walking on sunshine! (It’s time to feel good!)

NTSF:SD:SUV:: (midnight, Cartoon Network)
Pitch perfect spoof of 24-CSI-NCIS-Criminal Minds-action-cum-police procedural out there created by/starring Paul Scheer (Human Giant, The League, the podcast How Did This Get Made?). While season three of NTSF: SD SUV (That’s National Terrorism Strike Force: San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle, to you plebe) doesn’t premiere until July, please to enjoy this special to hold you over. And did you know that Karen Gillian, former Doctor Who companion Amy Pond is joining the cast?

Friday, June 14
Magic City
(9pm, Starz, season premiere)
Despite its title, Magic City does not follow the day-to-day challenges after an alliance of magicians who, demanding to be taken seriously, start their own sovereign land where they are, in fact, taken seriously. Instead it’s about a hotel owner (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) in 1959 Miami shortly after the Cuban Revolution trying to keep his head above water while dealing with the mob. Season two begins tonight.

Saturday, June 15
Zero Hour
(8pm, ABC)
No, for Christ’s sake, I’m not stylizing the with ‘o’ in Zero Hour with a 0. A midseason premiere, the ‘hey, there’s some secret hidden mythology stuff about the world, and we’re gonna need to uncover the conspiracy behind it all it in order to save humanity and I once read the back cover of a Dan Brown book at Barnes and Noble when I was stopping in to use the bathroom’ show starring Anthony Edwards was pulled from the schedule after three episodes. Much like Christ, Zero Hour rises from the dead, in this case to burn off the remaining episodes in a two episode a night fashion on the Badlands of Saturday night.

Sunday, June 16
Nurse Jackie
(9pm, Showtime, season finale)
The Showtime dramedy starring Edie Falco as pill popping (and in recovery) Nurse Jackie Peyton ends its fifth season tonight.

Top Hooker (10pm, Animal Planet)
You win, Animal Planet. I am writing about your show, and commenting that is not in fact a competition show about finding the top escort from a field of escorts, but rather about people fishing. Well played, Animal Planet. Well played.

The Venture Bros. (midnight, Cartoon Network)
Season five of The Venture Bros. kicked off last week after damn near two years off the air. The Johnny Quest spoof is a vessel for the exploration of failure and to stuff as many pop culture references into its Awesome Blossom of an action-comedy animated series as possible. I am so glad you’re back, Venture Bros.

How do you top the Greatest Television Event in History, a shot for shot remake of the 80′s show Simon and Simon with Adam Scott and Jon Hamm? Well obviously, you’re asking the wrong goddamn question. What goes into realizing that what you thought was the Greatest Television Event in History was not really the Greatest Television Event in History, and that this time, a shot for shot remake of the 80′s show Hart to Hart with Adam Scott, Amy Poehler, and Horatio Sanz is no doubt THE Greatest Television Event in History? That’s what you should be asking. When you stare into the Greatest Television Event in History, the Greatest Television Event in History stares back. It’s things like this that keeps the dream of opening sequences and theme songs in television shows alive.

Lifetime is entertainment for women. Anna Nicole Smith is/was a woman. Which is criteria enough for Lifetime to produce the Anna Nicole Smith biopic. Premieres June 29!

Se you next Monday!

And remember:
Countdown to final episodes of Breaking Bad: 61 days