Spike Jonze’s latest is about a sulky, sullen writer (Joaquin Phoenix) who falls in love with his computer’s highly advanced OS (sexily voiced by Scarlett Johansson) (because human women are sexless viper monsters) (ALLEGEDLY). Normally I wouldn’t be down for a movie about a man finding technology more exciting than a real women (WELCOME TO MY LIFE/hyuck hyuck), because that shit is tired and false and makes me really sad about bullshit societal gender roles, but this movie goes way deeper than that. So if you want to see Phoenix make out with a cell phone, get into it. (Read: stick your dick in a hard drive.)

Lone SurvivorEverywhere
From the creator of the delightful Friday Night Lights TV show, this movie is about four Navy SEALs on a mission to neutralize a high-level Taliban operative. As you can tell by the name, shit does not go so well. My friends who saw a screener said they cried and cried and were moved and if you’re looking for a war movie, it’s not a bad choice. Plus, Tim Riggins is in it. (Tyyyra!)

The Legend of HerculesEverywhere
Renny Harlin-helmed shitshow starring Kellan Lutz. It’s definitely terrible, but if you love a Greek God — why not? I’d watch Kellan Lutz call me names for three hours, so I’ll probably be there opening night. I’m so ashamed.

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