The WolverineEverywhere
The Wolverine comes tearing into theaters to claw its way up the charts! SEE WHAT I DID THERE? God, it was so awful, I wrote that before I even thought about what I was doing — I’m just that terrible and cliched. Anyway, if you want to see a jacked Jackman just ripping people’s faces off like he doesn’t give a fuck, you should get on it. Wolverine is a great character, right? He’s a deeply-flawed mutant who just wants to be left the fuck alone, but these damn kids won’t get off his lawn. Plus, he has dope claws. A++ character design.

Girl Most LikelyEverywhere
I’m sorry, but you totally can’t trust me when it comes to movies starring funny women — or, really, movies starring any women — because I’m gonna tell you go see them. This is about a stunted, immature lady who can’t get her shit together. Kristen Wiig has presence — I’ve loved her since she played Dr. Pat on the Joe Schmo Show! — and it has enough moments to make it worth it, but it’s not winning any awards. Well, it’s a comedy so it wouldn’t win any awards even if it were super funny, but you get the point.

The To Do ListEverywhere
Go see this!!! It’s funny, weird, strange, empowering, and written/directed by a women! Aubrey Plaza stars as a high school senior who wants to check off all these sexual activities before she graduates — the final deed being getting freaky with the hottest dude in school. She’s pretty much a nerd, but the movie never pretends she’s ugly and never gives her a makeover! It’s a revelation. I’ll be seeing it a couple times, and you should too. We need to support the team. (Talking to men who read this as well, you are all honorary women and I commend you and now command you to go see this movie!)

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I love animals and food!

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