Madagascar 3: Europe’s Most WantedEverywhere
It’s the threequel to Madagascar, and you’ll be taking your kids to it. It’s okay, soon you’ll get to take them to see Brave, and you’ll forget all about the nightmare that is your life, if only for a moment.

Crooked ArrowsEverywherei
It’s like Rudy but instead of white people and football, it’s Native Americans and lacrosse. It’s like Bad News Bears but instead of kids and baseball, it’s Native Americans and lacrosse. It’s like Kingpin but instead of funny people and bowling, it’s Native Americans and lacrosse. GET IT?

Prometheus 3DEverywhere
Ridley Scott’s sort-of prequel to the Alien movies starring Michael Fassbender (yay!) fully clothed (boo!), it appears that non-mega-fans like it and mega-mega-named-all-their-children-Ripley-a-la-George-Foreman fans find it a bit of a mess. BUT I ASK YOU, after Aliens 3 and Alien Resurrection, WHAT COULD BE WORSE? Doesn’t the franchise have nowhere to go but up? Like, even if it goes up fifty rungs on the ladder, it’s still living in Time Cop‘s butthole. So, I say, in this case, you can’t lose! It’s like being in a beauty contest surrounded by a bunch of Shrek’s: YOU GOT THIS, PROMETHEUS.

Bel AmiEmbarcadero
A bunch of sexy woman actresses who you don’t see much of anymore–Uma Thurman, Christina Ricci, Kristin Scott Thomas–in a 19th-century dramady. Sounds pretty good, right?? Wrong, it’s mainly terrible but might be worth it if you’re REALLY into costuming. Give me all the dresses so I can wear them around my house and pretend I’m caught in a love triangle between my dog and a batch of cupcakes. Which, honestly, I kind-of am.

Peace, Love, and MisunderstandingClay
Jane Fonda plays a hippie mom (so, herself) in a mediocre indy romcom that’s all about getting to know yourself and the folks you love but had no clue who they really were. Which is kinda sad, if you think about it. Is this what real life is like? Because: TAKE IT BACK.

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  • Jeremy_ofSF

    I never considered myself an Alien mega-fan, but back in Junior High a friend and I used to pass the time on the bus reciting the first half hour of Aliens dialogue. So in that spirit, I do have to quibble with lumping Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection together. I think the later might’ve been even better than Aliens. It re-imagined the themes of the series in interesting ways, took “The Company” concept a lot further, had some interesting class issues, and it got way creepy.

    And hell, Alien Resurrection made the cut of Slavoj Zizek’s Pervert’s Guide to Cinema, which is a serious gold star:
    http://www.thepervertsguide.com/trailers_pguidept3.html

    But yeah, I’d choose two hours in Time Cop’s butthole over having to re-watch Alien 3.

  • Jeremy_ofSF

    I never considered myself an Alien mega-fan, but back in Junior High a friend and I used to pass the time on the bus reciting the first half hour of Aliens dialogue. So in that spirit, I do have to quibble with lumping Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection together. I think the later might’ve been even better than Aliens. It re-imagined the themes of the series in interesting ways, took “The Company” concept a lot further, had some interesting class issues, and it got way creepy.

    And hell, Alien Resurrection made the cut of Slavoj Zizek’s Pervert’s Guide to Cinema, which is a serious gold star:
    http://www.thepervertsguide.com/trailers_pguidept3.html

    But yeah, I’d choose two hours in Time Cop’s butthole over having to re-watch Alien 3.