A Thousand WordsEverywhere
A fast-talking literary agent only has 1,000 words to speak before he dies and we all wish he had fewer because SHUT UP, TERRIBLE MOVIE. It’s Liar, Liar but with Eddie Murphy as the ridiculous plastic-faced asshole we all love after he’s learned a lesson about what’s really important… or something. It’s funny because it’s yet another movie where a studio preaches, “Do as we say and not as we do!” Sweet irony!

Friends with KidsEverywhere
I wish I believed in anything the way that Hollywood believes in Adam Scott. He has to be the nicest guy in the world, right? Or give a hand-job that feels like a blow-job because motherfucker is in EVERYTHING. Anyway, onto this big pile of mediocrity. It falls into the genre of “straight lady wants a baby very badly so she has one with her platonic-yet-attractive male best friend and then they fall in love with other people and then they fall in love with each other.” Do you think this has ever once happened in the history of the world not inside the movies? Because if it occurs at the rate that it happens on film then look to your left and look to your right and know that both those people are currently having babies with their best friends who they are in love with and don’t know it yet. I GIVE UP.

John CarterEverywhere
Based on early sci-fi novel by the guy who wrote Tarzan and also Tarzana, California. Best thing about it is that it stars Tim Riggins MEOW HUBBA HUBBA HOWL AT THE MOON EYES POP OUT OF FACE.

Silent HouseEverywhere
Elizabeth Olsen in the exact same movie she was already in. It’s a little early in her career for this shit, right? Anyway, medium-talent* remake of Uruguyan horror film about a lady trapped in a spooky/hilarious house of kinda scary/mostly funny demons. Rain was not that impressed.

The Ballad of Genesis and Lady GrayEmbarcadero
A crazy interesting documentary about a crazy interesting person, artist Genesis P-Orridge. Go get, girl, you do your insane thing and let everyone marvel at your batshit sexy self.

Salmon Fishing in the YemenEmbarcadero
Two crackers bring fly-fishing to the Arabian peninsula. So neccesary. It’s a tale of white non-comformists in a third world country being all brave and going against the flow (LIKE SALMON GET IT) and I don’t know. I’ll probably get a little drunk and watch it and cry but really, this shit is stupid when you stop to think about it. Guess we learned our lesson for the day/life, folks!

*I cannot tell you how many times I’ve had to consult a thesaurus for a synonym for mediocrity when writing these previews. GET WITH IT, HOLLYWOOD.
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