Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance – Everywhere
Nicolas Cage is back as Johnny Blaze, the devil’s bounty hunter. Now, with a premise like that, you’re thinking, HOW COULD THEY GO WRONG?? But leave it to Hollywood to fuck it all up. This movie should be disgusting, hilarious, and filled with memorable Nicholas Cage zingers. In reality, it’s a sloppy snooze-fest. Congratulations, Hollywood! You succeeded in making Nick Cage, the most watchable train wreck alive, boring. I DON’T KNOW HOW YOU DO IT!
The Secret World of Arrietty (Kari-gurashi no Arietti) – Everywhere
Finally! Will Arnett and Amy Poehler playing parents together! So adorable, please adopt me and then also have a threesome with me! What? It’s natural, we’re family! This is an animated movie about little people (not like Pit Boss little but cockroach little) who live in a back yard and are discovered by big sized people. What will happen to the little now that enormous-ass humans have seen them? Probably nothing good as humans are the worst and will probably bbq them up for a nice Little People Poor Boy.
This Means War – Everywhere
Two CIA operatives (lolz) fight for the love of some rando woman. It’s a McG cluster fuck that coulda been sponsored by Axe Body Spray. How is that man let anywhere near a movie? How are there enough hours in the day for him to fellate the amount of people I imagine need to be fellated for this film to hit the theaters? I am genuinely curious about the logistics! And Reese Witherspoon, I’ll deal with you later young(ish?) lady BUT REALLY. Really??? Someone needs to tie her down in front of Freeway on loop until her eyes bleed some sense into her brain! She must already have more money than everyone, so why not make GOOD movie at this point? Is preschool THAT expensive? I have so many questions.
Chico & Rita – Embarcadero
Is your kid a real nerd burger who’s busy adjusting his pocket protecter in between not talking to girls? Well then, I’ve got the movie for you! This animated treasure about a love that blossoms over music and features cartoon-cameos from Tito Puente, Thelonious Monk, and more ultra-groovy hep cats. Actually, now that I think about it, this is one of those tricky cartoons that isn’t for kids at all. However, it DOES combine jazz, Communism, and non-white culture into Liberal America’s Trifecta of Fun! See you there!