Joyful Noise – Everywhere
OMG I am so seeing the shit out of this. It’s Dolly Parton vs. Queen Latifah in a choir sing-off. It’s Glee meets a retirement home of fabulous. The plot is ridiculous, it’s insanely over-acted, and I don’t give a CRAP. Sing it, ladies! Make that Joyful Noise! Side note: Why can’t I buy action figures from movies like this? I’d kill for a Dolly Parton in a choral robe.
The Iron Lady – Everywhere
Who else thinks Meryl Streep must have MPD? Girlfriend INHABITS her roles and then goes back to her normal life, being all normal. It’s so crazy that she isn’t crazy, I think that’s craziest thing about her. She stars in The Iron Lady as Margaret Thatcher, and is amazing, because she’s Meryl Streep, but the script and her surrounding actors aren’t quite up to par because, WHO IS? Rain agrees, saying that she “couldn’t muster up much to say about The Iron Lady aside from ‘Meryl Streep is great, the movie is not.'”
Don’t you just want Streep to say something racist? Or have a daughter with an extra foot and three eyes who she hides in a dog crate in the basement? I just want her to fuck up a little bit, ya know??
Contraband – Everywhere
Action flick starring Marky Mark and not his abs. That’s Contraband‘s FIRST mistake. How you gonna cast Marky Mark and not show us the abs? That’s his best talent! Other than that, it’s a run of the mill crime thriller that’s probably best to rent later and watch while you’re knitting, petting the dog, and reading a magazine, all at once. Good background noise but ultimately so full of plot holes that it’s best not to really think about it. AT ALL. And remember: NO ABS. Disgraceful. Rain calls it “dumb fun.”
Carnage – Embarcadero
Well, that’s a terrifying name for a movie opening on Friday the 13th. Added scariness? It’s directed by Roman Polanski. AHHHH! Other than that, it’s a middle of the road black comedy about two sets of upper-middle class white parents who duke it out with each other, and with themselves. All the characters are fairly unlikable and you can’t really understand why they’d spend an hour and a half hurling quips at each other when they don’t really need to. A very masturbatory piece that’s not gonna be of interest unless you’re an upper-middle class white parent. If you are, have at it, you creepazoid! Rain thinks Polanski must have forgotten that Carnage was supposed to be a comedy.
Hipsters – Lumiere
Another terrifying movie to open on Friday the 13th! JK, this is about some Russian kids during the Cold War and who stumble upon the underground dancing ‘n’ singing scene. Shit gets wild in the swing club, yo! Similar to Hairspray in its sad exuberance, but also, it’s in Russian so you gotta read unless you understand the mother tongue. If you’re feeling intellectual (subtitles! all that reading!) and like a giant cheeseball (music! all that dancing!), check it out.