New Year’s EveEverywhere
It’s the Scary Movie of romantic comedies! Not really, because it’s not trying for satire, but it sure does achieve it. If you want to completely ruin your life, watch this back to back with Valentine’s Day. This is the reason people hate Hollywood. Nothing positive to say here, even thought I’m a naturally earnest person. Shame on them!

The SitterEverywhere
It’s Adventures in Babysitting but Elizabeth Shue is played by Jonah Hill after he ate her and became retarded. Because we’re all so desensitized now (everything changed when that kid fucked a pie), these remakes need to be FULLY LOADED!! with everyone throwing up, shitting pants, and ejaculating in hair. Kids today! Also, how come every “wacky night out” movie involves getting chased by gangsters? This is a real question. It’s like white people think the second they go into the city, they’re gonna be in a Liam Neeson movie. I don’t know. Rain hated it.

Young AdultLumiere
Charlize Theron is a somewhat successful Y.A. writer who returns to her small hometown to try and get back together with her now married high school flame. Diablo Cody wrote it and it’s getting good reviews (like this one from Ryan) so I’ll see it because WOO WOMEN WOO but also, am I supposed to believe that Charlize Theron ends up with Patton Oswalt?? I think he’s as funny as you do but on what planet is this correct? The planet where chocolate milk rains from the sky and vaginas are made of slinkies? I’m trying to think of a comparative match with opposite sexes. It’s like if Michael Fassbender ended up with Chuck E. Cheese. That shit is unnatural.

OutrageOpera Plaza
Takeshi Kitano new film about the yakuza. Amazing director, fascinating topic (severed fingers! insane tattoos! coolest/scariest fuckers alive!) and me in the audience. You can’t lose!

A Warrior’s HeartLumiere
Terrible melodrama starring Kellan Lutz from Twilight and more importantly, The Comeback, the best television show of our time. Really, I’d rather just talk about The Comeback in this space. Who’s seen it? If you haven’t seen it, rent it immediately so we can talk about it right now. And I need to know that I’m being heard.

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