The Big YearEverywhere
A “comedy with heart” that aging male comedians love to star in so they don’t feel like their whole careers were spent just making fart jokes. Of course, the female characters are mainly off-screen — except when they’re nagging or being overly wise, delivering lines such as, “They’re men, dear. If they ever stop competing, they die.” PUKE. Cliched and insipid, but of some fun for bird watchers. That’s about the best I can say, I think? Oh! At least Steve Martin didn’t write it, or else it’d be even weirder with the female characters and probably involve him sexing a 19 year old girl who Only He Thinks is Beautiful, despite the fact that she’s clearly beautiful and just has her hair in a bun/glasses on/is a brunette. He still SEES HER. Double puke.

The ThingEverywhere
A remake of the John Carpenter’s 1982 film, it’s a lot less suspenseful, much gorier, and generally crappier (Rain agrees). I know, I’m shocked too. SHOCKED.

This home invasion thriller looks to be a direct remake of the Spanish film Kidnapped, which came out earlier this year. Hollywood was all, “Gotta get that translated into American, rapido rapido!”! Anyway, it’s pretty boring and terrible, but all is forgiven every time Nicholas Cage opens his mouth. He is just SO DELIGHTFUL! Currently comprised of just hair pieces, botox, and prescription drugs, Cage talks as if someone has bet him he can’t keep an everlasting gobstopper in his mouth for the duration of the film. Also, he leaves the majority of the villain fighting to his wife, because he’s too busy delivering quippy one-liners. God bless!

I love a teen dance movie, and I don’t care if they remake Footloose 50 times, I’ll watch every single one and have a damn good time doing it. I won’t stop until the 97th reboot takes place on the moon! EVERYBODY CUT!

The WomanEverywhere
A suburban family finds a feral woman in the woods (??) and the husband chains her up and attempts to learn her about polite society. How? Through physical, psychological, and sexual torture. Puke! The Woman is among the elite class of grody-us maximus films that have earned big walkouts at Sundance. That’s because even the people who claim the film has artistic merit, and that it offers thoughtful commentary on the danger of the patriarchy, they ultimately know it’s just super gross torture porn for sicko sick-faces. I might even go so far as to say it glorifies the very thing it thinks it’s demonizing. CHEW ON THAT.

ToastOpera Plaza
The coming of age tale of British food writer, cook, and TV personality, Nigel Slater. Set in the ’60s, young Slater has a loving mom who’s one fault is that she’s a terrible cook. Who cares, they love her anyway, and the family eats toast for every meal. Unfortunately, she dies young, perhaps from lack of nutrients via toast only dinner who knows, and so, Slater’s dad brings in Helen Bonham-Carter to help raise him. You think this would be every young gay boy’s dream come true, but Slater isn’t a fan. When she starts turning out pies that win the heart of Slater’s dad, he’s downright pissed. In an attempt to win his father’s affections back from this evil temptress, Slater sets out to learn the ways of the kitchen. The heat is on, bitches!

Happy HappyLumiere
A Norwegian comedy about two unhappy married couples. The title is irony x 2! Get it! Also, there’s this whole uncomfortable subplot about child slavery? Norwegians, you so crazy!

Fireflies in the GardenEmbarcadero
Even the trailer feels long! If you like saccharin overblown troubled family epics, have at it. Oh yes, and Ryan Reynolds’ character is a romance novelist, so be prepared. I hope he reads from some of his novela and it’s all Danielle Steel-style and the screen steams up and also, maybe there could be a cover shoot for one of his books with Fabio!? I totally have a 1980’s idea of what romance novels are but I’m still right, right? Fabio is still on every cover, riding a white horse, or cupping a rose beween his breasts, right? Because if I’m right, and all this still holds true, and the director of Fireflies in the Garden didn’t get a Fabio cameo, THIS MOVIE IS DEAD TO ME.

Dirty GirlLumiere
It’s John Waters meet Nora Ephron and one thing I can say for it is, it’s unique. Total camp gives way to overly serious life lessons in this coming of age flick about a little slut and her closeted bff who embark on a road trip to find the slut’s real dad. If it never got So Serious, it’d be a lot greater, but hey, making a movie must be really effing hard, especially when trying something different so, hats off!

The Room with Tommy Wiseau, live(-ish) & in person!Piedmont in Oakland, Friday and Saturday midnight showings
See the ultimate most hilarious magical cult movie of all time, and meet director, producer, star, first assistant director, gaffer, costume designer, script supervisor, head of craft services, and definite American no matter what anyone says, Tommy Wiseau! Seriously, it’s everybodys lucky day!

Want more news, sent to your inbox every day? Then how about subscribing to our email newsletter? Here’s why we think you should. Come on, give it a try.

the author

I love animals and food!

Please make sure your comment adheres to our comment policy. If it doesn't, it may be deleted. Repeat violations may cause us to revoke your commenting privileges. No one wants that!