Lion King 3DEverywhere
Disney’s getting in on more of that good 3D money with a re-released Lion King. Getting Paid$$$, okaaaay?? If you ever thought, “Damn, I wish that hyena was way more in my face,” then this is for you. I’m still waiting to see Ursula in 3D because you know that bitch comes correct. All a million purple tentacles coming to getcha! Wait, is she supposed to be an octopus? WTF is Ursula? That movie just gets more fucked up the more you think about it.

Ryan Gosling stars as Nic Cage in Drive! I kid, but almost. Where Drive Angry goes full throttle (ha!), Drive is a bit more restrained. It’s not as fun but it’s a better quality movie, a deconstruction of the goofy speed flicks. If you’ve ever watched a Fast and Furious movie and thought, “Damn, I wish this was good.” then it’s for you! Or, if you’d just like to stare at Ryan Gosling and hump your movie chair like a cat in heat, it’s also for you! If you are both of those things then damn, girl, call me! Let’s hang.

Straw DogsEverywhere
This remake of Sam Peckinpah’s truly effed-up 1971 thriller strikes me as unnecessary. The original film is so disgusting and horrifying, it doesn’t need the 2011 punch-up. This movie is like Funny Games in that it’s so tormenting as to be unwatchable. However, if you enjoy your terror mixed with rape, you’ll love it!

I Don’t Know How She Does ItEverywhere
Standard rom-com fare starring Sarah Jessica Parker as an overwhelmed worker, wife, and mom. Of course, she suffers no real consequences for ruining lives, because she does it so adorably! Man, I wish we all lived in rom-coms because in rom-coms we can all be total assholes and get off with a head tilt and a comic sigh. Did you cheat, commit fraud, or (accidentally?) kill your neighbor’s yappy dog? Fuck it, they deserved it! Just shrug those cute shoulders and all is forgiven! That said, Rain can’t forgive this movie.

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom FlameEmbarcadero
It’s basically a kung-fu mystery. More specifically, it’s Hark Tsui’s completely batshit crazy supernatural martial arts western kung-fu fantasy mystery. I don’t know how else to describe it? It’s nuts! And a really good time that you should see it on the big screen. My pick for the film you should see whilst high as a kite this weekend. Also, the place you’ll most likely see Raekwon or Ghostface Killa high as a kite this weekend.

Connected: An Autoblogography About Love, Death & TechnologyEmbarcadero
Tiffany Shlain, founder of The Webby Awards, made a documentary about technology and love and life and her white upper class quest to find out what’s important and right. Meh? It’s billed as an autoblogography so I it’s almost guaranteed to be over an hour of her talking into the camera about herself. Unless you’re Einstein or the little dude who plays Capone on Boardwalk Empire (rowr!), I don’t want to hear it.

Mozart’s SisterBridge
Literally about Mozart’s sister, a very talented girl who was overlooked because all support went to her freak brother. Misogyny is not okay, you guys! Valuable lessons from the movie theater. A film with easy morals about sexism and kick-ass period clothing is the tits, I’ll watch it!

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