Our Idiot BrotherEverywhere
Paul Rudd stars as the cutest, most excellent guy on Earth. Well, I think he’s actually supposed to be a total burn-out, but he’s just so damn likable, that when his sisters are like, “WAH WAH GET IT TOGETHER”, you’re like, “SHUT UP, BITCHES! CAN’T YOU SEE HE’S BUSY BEING ADORABLE??” It’s one of those “smart comedies” like Greenberg/Punch Drunk Love/Funny People, a comedy with “smart laughs” that really “goes for your heart” and runs about “30 minutes too long.” Ryan pretty much agrees with me, here’s his review.

Don’t Be Afraid of the DarkEverywhere
Katie Holmes, Guy Pearce, and a little girl move into a creepy old house and surprise, surprise! That shit is haunted! I’m so glad I’m not rich enough to move into a creepy old house because I’d be the first to go. I’m fat, slow, and curious. A bad combo for a horror film. The fact that Guillermo del Toro co-wrote and produced this movie make me think that nobody’s getting out alive. Oh yeah, and they’ll probably be some terrifying no-eyed monsters and other equally fucked up shit. Man’s a genius!

The HedgehogClay
I have a crush on this adorable, flawed, long-ish, quirky, woman-directed French film. What can I say? I love when a curmudgeonly old coot is inspired to Live Out Loud by some weirdo kid. This tale of an unhappy apartment building manager and her tenants, in particular one 11 year old girl, is much like Up or Dennis the Menace, but with ladies! Listen, people are mostly awful and incapable of real change, but sometimes the Magic! of the Movies! makes me believe that’s not true. And isn’t that all we can really ask for? A place for all of us to pretend that we don’t live on a planet that’s dying under the weight of seven billion idiots? Big ups to The Hedgehog!

!Women Art RevolutionLumiere
A documentary about women who think their art is changing the world. Or at least, deserving of changing the world. Sure! To me, it kinda looked like filmmaker Lynn Hershman Leeson just interviewed a bunch of her friends, which is cool, because she has cool friends. It’s true, women are waaaay underrepresented in pretty much everything, including art, and it’s always good to hear from those who won’t be silenced. Preach it, you loud mouthed harpies!

Brighton ParkEmbarcadero
This movie is an adaptation of Graham Greene’s 1938 novel, but not a re-make of the 1947 film noir based on the same novel. Kinda like what the Coen brothers did with True Grit, does that make sense? So it’s a film based on a novel, but not based on the previous film of the same novel. Now that you’re all not reading anymore, Brighton Park is about gangsters in the rough and tumble underbelly of the 1950’s underworld. I don’t know, it definitely feels like it could’ve been shot in the 1950’s but like, is that really worth commending? Like, “Way to go, you made it look like you used shittier equipment than you actually have! Somebody give these boys all the Oscars!” If you’re one of the five people who actually liked Boardwalk Empire, you will enjoy this.

Shut Up, Little Man! An Audio MisadventureRoxie
A documentary about the audio recordings of Raymond and Peter, the ultimate profane odd couple. I don’t know how to describe them exactly but they’re hilarious unhappy lunatics who lived in San Francisco in the 1980’s. The guys who lived next door to them recorded them and the tapes got passed around and became a sensation. The documentary is a little long and has lots of unnecessary shit in it but if you can get your hands on the tapes, you’re in for a night of pure joy.

Directed by Olivier Megaton. That’s his name! And it’s probably the best reason to go see this movie! It’s about a beautiful young girl who witnesses her parents’ murder and then grows up to become a deadly assassin whose one goal is to avenge their deaths. I feel like this is a much fetishized character for male directors — the beautiful wounded bird who grows up to very sexily kick some ass. Actresses just take these parts to get in even better shape, which I feel is unfair since they’re already paid to be skinny. Someone train me to be an ultimate fighter, I’ll take you down like Chyna. Which is what an actual woman who trained to take down the mob would look like. Get with it, Hollywood!

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