Friends With BenefitsEverywhere
Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher star in, “Pretty People Finally Find Love.” Wonder if they’ll realize they’re what each other never knew they always really wanted/BARF. Oh wait, this one stars Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake? Okay, I’ll see it then!

Captain AmericaEverywhere
The Avenger movies keep coming at your face and this time it’s Captain Buttmerica! LADIES AM I RIGHT? Because for real: Girl, you look good, why don’t you back that ass up? Onto the movie: Whatever, it looks fine, another comic book movie, but I have a couple questions: If he’s such a boss, why isn’t be a General? I mean, a CAPTAIN? Lolz. Might as well be a Private! Frankly, it strikes me as sad. Also, the only military person I really want to hear from is Colonel Angus LADIES AM I RIGHT? I don’t know where this review is going but I’m just gonna stop before it gets TOO, TOO SEXY.

Beats, Rhymes & Life: The Travels of a Tribe Called QuestEverywhere
I hate to make a joke about things white people like* but damn, I went to one of their concerts and I was the only black person there. And I’m white. Anyway, if you’re white and in your late 20’s/early 30’s and think you have taste in music, you’ll see this, NO DIGGITY NO DOUBT. Speaking of, someone makes a movie about Blackstreet and I’ll be there!

OMG this is kinda almost like a classier version of Ruthless People, which is pretty much my favorite movie of all time, so I’ll totally see it. Plus, this is French, so you know it’s sexy, dark, and thrilling, even when it’s not supposed to be. I love a good kidnapping thriller where the people who are supposed to love the kidnapped person and want to try to pay the ransom are like, “EH FUCK IT HE AIN’T ALL THAT.” Instant classic!

Life Above AllEmbarcadero
This South African melodrama about a girl being ostracized because of her mother’s supposed sins WILL make you cry, but I can’t tell if it’s in a good way — because you’re completely invested and then consequently devastated — or if it’s because it’s like a good episode of Grey’s Anatomy and you’ve been emotionally manipulated into submission. Of course, it has subtitles, so you’ll feel much smarter than the average television-addicted plebe (hi!). Anyway, if you need to cry it out, or want to atone your educated-person guilt for laughing all the way through Joe Dirt, then you should go.

Harold and MaudeRed Vic
I wouldn’t normally advertise a viewing of Harold and Maude but this week is different because of two things: 1) I recognize that I’m the only woman living in the SF Bay Area who doesn’t love this movie and 2) THE RED VIC IS CLOSING SAD FACE. It’s really awful and sad, so go see them through their last showings and eat all the nutritional yeast covered popcorn you can. Oh, and while you’re at it, perhaps you should consider a movie at the Balboa, too. Gary Meyer, their operator, is stepping down, and I’m afraid for them, so support your independent movie houses before the only thing left to see is Shit My Dad Says IIV: SHIT JUST GOT REAL (only available in 3D) at the Clear Channel-owned mallplex. IN HELL.

*But not as much as I hate to write an original joke!

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