Horrible Bosses – Everywhere
Three extremely normal dudes all work for comically awful bosses. Life is the pits! But then! With the help of their black ex-con friend (or current con? What is that? A con? Also, I love that the only black person in the film is the con! Progress, you guys! Wait, no, whatever the opposite of progress is!), they decide to kill the bosses. HILARITY ENSUES. It’s just a bunch of attractive actors getting ZANY!! but it’s still super commercial so they can’t ever really get crazy and dark. This is a good movie to see in the theaters because the idiots laughing around you will make you laugh more. Plus, it’s good to leave your house at least once a month. LAURA APPROVED. Next!
How to Live Forever – Opera Plaza
A bunch of hella old people tell you how not to die. I’ll see it, because as much as this life makes me want to jump off a bridge, I’d also like to be around for when the Water Wars go into full swing and people are killing each other in the streets for RC Colas. Mark my words, one day you will murder your neighbor for nothing more than a Gatorade and a Clif Bar gel pack. Of course, as soon as I do die, I expect you all to jump into my grave and be buried with me, just like in olden times. Barring that, tell the funeral home to cover me in french fries, candy corn, and US Weeklys and leave me the fuck be. Finally, I rest.
A Better Life – Embarcadero
You want to cry this weekend? Then go see this heart-wrenching tale of a dad’s sacrifices for his son. Seriously, bring a box of Walgreens-brand Kleenex (Walnex?) and be ready to openly weep in front of strangers. If you’ve have a parent or child, or have lost a parent or child, it’ll be either extra therapeutic or extra damaging, depending on how much therapy you’ve had.
Zookeeper – Everywhere
Kevin James stars as Rob Schneider in Zookeeper, a movie that I won’t call stupid because it’s an insult to quality stupid comedy. Things you can expect to see if you subject yourself to this movie: Kevin James’ getting freaky with some poor actress who is insanely hotter and younger than he is, Kevin James’ prat falling into piles of rhino shit, and finally, I’m gonna guess that you’ll see Kevin James dance the Macarena with a bunch of monkeys at least once. Oh, plus this ridiculous movie features Tai, the same abused elephant who was in Water for Elephants and that pisses me the fuck off.
San Francisco Frozen Film Festival – Roxie
According to them, the fifth annual S.F. Frozen Film Festival showcases the year’s best new independent avant-garde pop culture films. I bet you thought this fest would be all films about either: 1) Planes crashing in places like the Andes and people are frozen to death and have to eat each other; or 2) Ice cream. Wrong! It’s avant-garde pop culture, duh! What that means, I’m not totally sure, but the topics are all over the place, but the shorts look particularly interesting, and grouped in themes like, “Best Comedic Shorts” and “Best Thriller Shorts” and also, “Best Surfing Shorts.” Okay? Whatever, I’ll see ’em all!