POM Wonderful Presents: The Greatest Movie Ever Sold (2011)Everywhere
Morgan Spurlock, the movie. I think it’s supposed to be a commentary on how advertising drives movie-making but it’s mainly just funny to see Spurlock try to sell ad space on his wang.

African CatsEverywhere
Watch (highly endangered) big cats just doing their thang on the African Savannah. Damn, they are so fucking cool. I once talked to a dude who worked as a vet tech at Oakland Zoo and he told me that one time they had to knock out one of the lions to do some tests and he got to HUG THE LION. HOLY SHIT!!! Like the worlds coolest, most deadly teddy bear. He said he was warm and fuzzy and soft and wonderful. Vicariously living that experience is still my best memory.

Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy FamilyEverywhere
Clown show Christian cinema. Madea’s Big Happy Family makes me wish Honky Grandma was a real movie so I could curse it for inspiring this crap. The fact this is the ELEVENTH Madea movie genuinely depresses me. Obviously there is a market, so who am I to judge*, but I worry how this is shaping the sense of humor of a generation? Kids going to these movies, are they going to grow up thinking the way to get a laugh is to dress up like a fat woman and do prat falls? Oh wait, it kinda is. NEVERMIND!

Water for ElephantsEverywhere
Well, I wasn’t going to recommend this film because of the elephant abuse factor, but as it turns out, I don’t even need to fall back on that because the movie itself is fucking terrible. Trite, maulin, and downright goofy. And when did I think Reese Witherspoon could act? Was I high? Don’t answer that?

TrustOpera Plaza
Okay, remember when you were 12 and the internet was brand-new and you snuck into AOL (Sorry, Aol) chat rooms to do dirty sex talk with 40-year-old pervs. You can be honest with me, we’re just two friends talking–ain’t no shame! Well, this is about that but like, what if you actually went to meet the dude and it turned out he was a creepy old rapist? Scary Larry! The movie itself is actually kinda smarmy and melodramatic, and kinda left me feeling a little unclean and a little bored. Fun fact! It’s directed by Ross from Friends, and I bet he hates being called that, but I don’t know how to spell his last name and my screen keeps freezing on Google so either I don’t write it or I spell it, “Schwimmerermer.” I honestly don’t know which is worse so I did both.

John Waters’ Birthday WeekendCastro
It’s John Waters’ Birthday and the Castro is celebrating his vaginal expulsion (WHY LAURA?! Because it’s WATERS!) with movie marathons of his greatest hits! Waters is turning either 50 or 100, I’m not sure which, but ‘m happy every day that fool is alive. If you need a break from this crazy ride called life, go watch movies that make you laugh and puke at the same time. Happy Birthday, you crazy mustachioed genius!

San Francisco International Film FestivalVarious
The 54th San Francisco International Film Festival started yesterday, Thursday, April 21nd and runs through May 5th. It’s our big deal film festival and so you know you want to be fancy and go because you think you’re all cultured and shit. Never fear, we’ve got reviewers going, so keep checking back to see what rules and what drools. You work hard for the money, we don’t want you spending it on crap! SF Appeal CARES.

*And still I rise!

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