Hop – Everywhere
Stupid kids movie that your offspring will probably enjoy if they’re under ten-years-old. If they’re over ten-years-old, they’ll be so fucking bored, you have no idea. Or you will have an idea, because you’ll be watching the same terrible movie. Here’s Rain’s review.
Insidious – Everywhere
Insidious is the tale of a young family who moves into a haunted house. It’s Poltergeist meets Paranormal Activity meets Ghost Busters, and it’s FUCKING SCARY. It starts with a slow build, which quickly turns to straight-up terrifying and traumatizing, and then becomes downright goofy. Like, flying pictures and a Tiny Tim soundtrack goofy. If you’re into horror films and/or getting laid (endorphins are rushing! must flee or do it!), this will satisfy and excite. Even if the film doesn’t succeed in every aspect, there’s enough that works to make it worth your scared-shitless while.
Rubber – Lumiere
This is an animated fake horror film about a tire that comes to life and starts busting heads. For reals, it starts murdering people. It reminds me of this Patton Oswalt joke about how a script he wrote was passed over because the studio decided to go with a movie titled, The Couch that Eats People. What’s even worse about this movie, is that it knows how stupid it is, and suspects people will watch it anyway because we’re all so fucking dumb. In summation, see you there!
Super – Embarcadero
I think whether you like this movie or not will probably depend on how much you enjoy Rainn Wilson. If you love Dwight Schrute, this uneven Kick Ass knock-off will more delight than disappoint. If you don’t find him charming, you’ll probably be really bored and/or walk out. Now ask yourself: What side of the Rainn Wilson fence do you fall on?
Source Code – Everywhere
You see, I’m torn. Jake Gyllenhaal annoys me very badly. My reasons are mostly irrational and are as follows: First, it took me like nine times to spell his fucking name. What’s up with that!? Second, he just looks like a total dorkus malorkus. Like, it embarrasses me to look at his silly face. Third, he is a sleezebag-in-training, all scoring on Taylor Swift when she’s young enough to be his grand daughter. Fourth, he went and let his white ass get cast as The Prince of PERSIA. So, yeah. The reason I’m torn is that everyone is freaking out for this movie, and I suspect it’s because any big-budget action film that’s half-decent has critics wetting their pants. You know, it’s not every day that a watchable film comes out of Hollywood. I think the idea is cool, Gyllenhaal (DAMN THAT NAME IS SO HARD TO SPELL) has to travel back in time (well, more like quantum leap, since he’s ending up in another dude’s body) to figure out who is planting a bomb on a train before it explodes. The catch is, he only has eight minutes every time he does it (science is wacky!), and so he has to go back again and again and again. During this time, he ends up falling in love with some lady on the train because why not? Okay so now, he wants to save this bitch, too. His bosses are like, “You can’t save her! Just do your job, man!” and he’s all, “THIS IS MY JOB!” And such is our brave hero’s struggle. Anyway, should be fairly entertaining if you can stand Gyllenhaal’s goofy mug and the movie’s moronic logic. Oh! And David Bowie’s son (Alex interviewed him for us in 2009) directed it, so it get a few points for that because BOWIE.
The Elephant in the Living Room – 4 Star
Rain says, “The Elephant In the Living Room is a documentary about the seemingly growing epidemic of exotic animal ownership by people in the U.S. It focuses on an Ohio police officer who works to find many of these animals better living situations, and an Ohio man who owns two full-grown lions. The movie tries not to be too judgmental against the people who own such animals, but no one is going to come out of a viewing of this thinking it’s a really fucking great idea to buy a giant jungle cat and keep it in your backyard. In all it’s a bit like an Animal Planet special, although much more depressing.”
Laura says, “Take all the assholes you know who go to the circus so they feel like they assholes they are.”