In the interests of helping y’all run out the clock today, we thought we’d point you towards the archives of some of our evergreener content. Perhaps it will help the clock move just a bit more quickly?
First on our list is Ramona Emerson‘s column “Things San Franciscans Like.” Some agree with her assessments, some don’t– what do you think?
Things San Franciscans Like: Holiday Parties 12.22.09
In the past three weeks, pretty much every San Franciscan, or at least everyone who is a friend of a San Franciscan, has gotten a 1 a.m., typo riddled text saying, “holidaypartys [sic] compleat [sic] lets go nut (autocorrect is not doing anyone any favors here)!!”
Things San Franciscans Like: Not The Bay Bridge 12.14.09
If you’re really into anthropomorphism (a vegetarian) you can kind of understand why the Bay Bridge hates San Franciscans as much as Natalie Portman hates to wear stilettos made out of raw steak.
Things San Franciscans Like: SF 12.07.09
San Francisco is like the New York of the West Coast, if New York had mild winters and was also nothing like New York, bu what other city is going to be called the New York of the West? Portland? Didn’t think so.
Things San Franciscans Like: Thanksgiving 11.30.09
When they aren’t looking up random facts on Wikipedia to confirm that they were right about something (!) they’re probably on twitter live-tweeting from the meal with the seriousness (and serious hotness) of Anderson Cooper on assignment for CNN.
Things San Franciscans Like: Houses That Are For Sale 11.23.09
The real obstacle between San Franciscans and the house of their dreams is the fact that you need to have actually invented not only the game of Monopoly but the whole concept of money to be able to afford a house in San Francisco.
Things San Franciscans Like: Thematic Bars 11.09.09
San Franciscans can only really enjoy drinking when they think it’s the Prohibition, and apparently during the Prohibition it was very dark indoors, and everyone was a badass, because if they drank like a San Franciscan drinks they were pretty much breaking the law 24/7.
Things San Franciscans Like: Plaid 11.02.09
There’s nothing like a hillside of plaids in Dolores Park to make people understand why you shouldn’t wear flannel in 80 degree weather.
Things San Franciscans Like: Trader Joe’s 10.26.09
Even if they had Cat Cookies at Safeway it’s such a literalist grocery store that they would probably be made out of a mixture of feral cat meat and used Swiffer sheets. In fact, the only time San Franciscans will venture into a Safeway is when they are very drunk, feeling pretty damn low, and looking for some cat.
Things San Franciscans Like: Hyping Concerts And Then Pretending To Hate Them When They Get There 10.19.09
There is no person in the world more joyous than a San Franciscan who just bought tickets to a show at The Independent, but there is also no person more morose than that San Franciscan once they get to the show.
Things San Franciscans Like: Not Single Ladies 10.12.09
It hasn’t been scientifically proven, but San Franciscans may be the only population that considers eye-sex to be a legitimate form of intercourse, and while it may not have its own street fair yet, something is almost certainly in the works.
Things San Franciscans Like: Farmers Markets 10.05.09
A good way to make lots of friends who respect you is by telling them that you got up at 8:00 AM on a Sunday and rode your fixie to the Farmers Market so you could buy as many beets as would fit in your basket, and then rode home and felt incredibly self-righteous about the whole situation.
Things San Franciscans Like: Acting Incredibly Open-Minded About Sex 09.28.09
Everyone is so hung up on the effect that violence in the media has on the nation’s children that they haven’t even begun to unwrap the question of what sex on the streets of San Francisco is doing to the tots of this fair city. But as there are no children in San Francisco, whatever conclusion the scientists come to is pretty much moot.
Things San Franciscans Like: Freaking Out About The Weather 09.21.09
There’s no question more urgent for a San Franciscan than, “Have you heard anything about the rain?” Rain makes San Franciscans want to gossip about rain, and say things like, “I didn’t come here to make friends with rain,” and honestly the threat of a rainy day is the closest a San Franciscan can get to being on a reality TV show, because there is nothing that a San Franciscan wants to beat down more than a raindrop.
Things San Franciscans Like: Taking Drugs 09.14.09
All of a sudden you’re in a bar with a San Franciscan and they start saying things like, “Want some party favors?” And while you’re stuck on the fact that birthday partiers in San Francisco still go home with favors after the age of seven, the San Franciscan has already cut three lines right there on the bar.
Things San Franciscans Like: Spending More Time Outdoors Than You 09.07.09
If you dare to say that you did not go outside on a sunny day a San Franciscan might say, “Oh too bad,” but what they mean is that they don’t really want to be your friend anymore even though they already knew that to begin with.
Things San Franciscans Like: Yelp 08.31.09
And of course every San Franciscan knows someone who has attended one of the infamous Yelp key parties, where everyone goes home with someone else’s opinion.
Things San Franciscans Are Not Sure If They Like: The New Not-Starbucks Starbucks On Mariposa 08.24.09
At the new new not-Starbucks Starbucks the concept is redecoration, and the environment. There’s a table that was made entirely from a reclaimed tree that the people at Starbucks found somewhere, and you suddenly get the image of all these baristas running around the Presidio in the dark looking for a fallen eucalyptus.
Things San Franciscans Like: Not This Year’s Outside Lands Lineup 08.17.09
They couldn’t believe that the Beastie Boys, who were starting to sound really good by then, had been replaced by a band that wasn’t even a band, and that non-band was Tenacious D, which was a joke that San Franciscans may have laughed at if they had looked irony up in the dictionary and the definition had been something like horrible, and snakelike that eats sunshine and music and tiny dogs.
Things San Franciscans Like: Dog Ownership 8.10.09
San Franciscans are insanely picky when it comes to finding a mate for themselves, but this discriminating attitude doesn’t seem to extend to their dogs. In fact, it’s almost a status symbol in San Francisco to have an extremely homely looking dog. As if San Franciscans want to show that not even being connected by a string to an animal that looks like a sewer rat can take away from the intensity of their good looks.
Things San Franciscans Like: Not Paying Their Muni Fare 08.03.09
There is probably even a healthy subset of San Franciscan who feel that they should actually be paid to ride the Muni, like they are doing the city some kind of favor, which they kind of would be if they paid, but they don’t.”>There is probably even a healthy subset of San Franciscan who feel that they should actually be paid to ride the Muni, like they are doing the city some kind of favor, which they kind of would be if they paid, but they don’t.
Things San Franciscans Like: Fernet 07.27.09
One time a couple was bickering in a bar. What they were arguing about is irrelevant, suffice it to say it looked like the fight would never end. Finally, one of them looked the other straight in the eye and said, “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you Fernet,” and their jaws dropped like they had just heard that the SF Weekly had made up with The Guardian.
Things San Franciscans Like: Making The Light 07.20.09
San Franciscans know by heart which street crossings give you a 12-second countdown, a 17-second countdown, or the holy grail of pedestrian crossing signs: the 30-second countdown, and visitors will soon learn that there’s not a lot a San Franciscan can’t do in half a minute.
Things San Franciscans Like: Freedom And Not Freedom 07.06.09
A San Franciscan is like the reverse of a Republican when it comes to the regulation of morality: a freak in the street and a lady in the sheets.
Things San Franciscans Like: New York, Lowbrow TV 06.29.09
San Franciscans think that New York and San Francisco are like The Conservatory and The Lounge in the game of Clue: there’s a secret passage beneath them that allows a player to go all the way across the board in one move.
Things San Franciscans Like: Dave Eggers, Talking About Being Sick 06.22.09
San Franciscans always want to know why they’re sick, and they’ll keep asking over and over as though they are Hamlet giving his final soliloquy and everyone else in the room is dead. San Franciscans want their sickness to come from a particular place, and that place is usually The East Bay.
Things San Franciscans Like: Hate 06.15.09
San Franciscans love the website ‘Fuck My Life,’ and can frequently be seen sending emails to friends and business associates that are signed not with their name but simply with the acronym ‘FML.’ To a San Franciscan even the most delicious wheat-germ chocolate chunk cookie from Specialty’s tastes only bittersweet.