First things first. Did you watch the Oscars? How’d you do in that office or party pool? (I got 18 out of 24; not too shabby.)

I was getting so sick of all the The Artist backlash that I was rooting for it to win just to piss off the haters. I suppose some people were a little surprised by Jean Dujardin’s win over George Clooney, but let’s face it: George already has an Oscar, he’s not going anywhere, and this is probably Dujardin’s only chance. Give him his time in the sun.

As for the show itself, to say it was better than the last Oscars is just damning it with faint praise. Lest we forget, this is what he had to deal with last year.

Billy Crystal is a fine host. Sometimes a great host. The decision to put him in blackface within the first 10 minutes of the show was, perhaps, not the wisest one, but he kept the show moving, had a few zingers, and only sang one dumb song. (Which even he admitted he couldn’t not do.) His best moment was probably mind-reading Nick Nolte.

But then Chris Rock came out, and all I could think was, why don’t they just let him host again?

Most of the show was a mess. For one, there was that constant metallic noise that made it sound like the show was being held in a giant garbage can, (but was probably a problem with mic feedback). For another, there was enough time for a performance by Cirque du Soleil that, while impressive, really had shit-all to do with movies, and yet they couldn’t let the Muppets perform their nominated (and winning!) song?

My favorite presenter moments were Ben Stiller with Emma Stone, (love her, and how yellow Stiller looks standing next to her); Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis and their cymbals, (the entire clip of which is stupidly not available on the official Oscar site); and, of course, the Bridesmaids. Every last moment of that.

Most disturbing? Angeline Jolie and her leg, and what may or may not have been a bit of J. Lo’s nip, both of which immediately started appearing on Twitter.

And now Hollywood can go back into hibernation until the awards season starts up all over again, and we can get back to what’s really important: television!

Except…it’s late, the Oscars wore me out, and there’s not much going on in TV this week, so let’s keep this brief.

On Wednesday, February 29th a new season of “America’s Next Top Model” premieres at 9 P.M. on the CW, (yes, this show is still on; it’s the smizing cockroach of reality TV), and American contestants will go up against former “Britain’s Next Top Model” contestants to win the coveted prize that leads to nowhere!

And on Thursday, March 1st, NBC will premiere “Awake,” a mind-tripping new drama that probably could have premiered back in the fall of last year, except the geniuses at NBC figured we’d all rather see “The Playboy Club” and “Prime Suspect” instead.

Jason Isaacs stars as a police detective who, after a car crash, finds himself living in two realities, one in which his wife survived the accident, and one in which his son survived. Sleeping and waking switches him back and forth between the two realities, but, unfortunately, he remains a police detective in both, which means this is, at its heart, just another crime procedural drama. Alas.

It premieres at 10 P.M on Thursday, but if you just can’t wait until then, you can watch the full pilot right here, right now.

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the author

Rain Jokinen watches a lot of television and movies and then writes things about them on the Internet. She's a San Francisco native, and yeah, she'll rub that fact in your face any chance she gets.

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