houseguestslede.jpgThings San Franciscans Like: Houseguests, Day 1


In theory, San Franciscans love to have people from out of town come visit. On the first full day of visitation rights – which is how San Franciscans think their guests view their time in this fair city: highly sought after, emotionally exhilarating, and tragically brief – the San Franciscan will want to take the visitor somewhere cool.

This is also the San Franciscan’s one chance to do touristy things without being too embarrassed, although most of them still won’t take their families to Fisherman’s Wharf no matter how hard they beg.

No, this is time for highbrow tourism, the science museum, de Young, a stroll in Golden Gate Park, an al fresco lunch if the weather holds (please God warm us with your giant flashlight in the sky), late afternoon cocktails or microbrews (“I never knew a Bud Light could taste like this!”) and lots of hearty hearty laughter and big doe-eyes for candid Facebook photos.

Things San Franciscans Do Not Like: Houseguests, Day 3

If Day 1 is like Brad and Jen meeting and getting married and being impossibly happy because their hair is the same color as their skin, then Day 3 is like Jen watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith with John Mayer: puffy, dejected, and looking for a ditch to die in.

By day 3 San Franciscans are over house guestery like they are over making fun of hipsters or looking at blurry cell phone pictures of your Pomeranian: it’s become too ubiquitous to be interesting, and they need to take a nap, preferably in their own bed, without you in it.

Their funds are almost completely depleted and since this is probably a Sunday they are already depressed at the prospect of another long work week trying to make back all the money they spent comping your meals like a desperate restaurant owner.

You, houseguest, have actually made them tired of eating and drinking, and have probably caused them to gain 1 pound, because you refused to walk everywhere day or night like they always would do with their San Francisco friends.

You, houseguest, have actually forced them to stand up for crazy bums, and trash lined streets because they are so sick of hearing you saying things like, “Look at that guy masturbating at that pigeon,” or “It’s dirty on the ground.”

You have tired them, houseguest. They don’t want to tell you one more incredibly interesting anecdote about their lives, or instruct you on what is appropriate to wear to dinner at a casual restaurant that is a taco truck.

They want to listen to their iPod, read a book, and get back to that sweet time when they were here and you, houseguest, were not.

Photo: Justin Hall

Please make sure your comment adheres to our comment policy. If it doesn't, it may be deleted. Repeat violations may cause us to revoke your commenting privileges. No one wants that!
  • Xenu

    Plus, it’s awfully hard to watch porn and masturbate while your houseguest is sleeping on the floor of your tiny studio apartment.

    Just sayin’.

  • generic

    This one strikes me as suspiciously … personal.