One day last year, it became incredibly obvious to me that my email address had ended up on some freely traded press lists for cheap, ghetto publicists to spam with their bullshit products and events. And before you get all, “Oh Beth, you’re so mean!” on me, keep in mind that I wade through this swill for YOU. If I posted every time some schlub in Sheboygen pitched their “fabulous gifts for Arbor Day your readers would LOVE!” you’d never forgive me.

As said publicists attempt to personalize every email with “Dear Beth, I know the readers of your blog would love the following.” I’ve taken to responding to each one personally.

Beth,
Just emailing to follow up on an invitation we at the Sherry Council of America sent you recently. We will be holding several events this coming Monday and Tuesday (November 9-10) in San Francisco that we would love for you to attend. The Director of the Sherry Consejo Regulador, Cesar Saldana, will be traveling to the United States to personally host these events.

We believe all of this would make great material for your blog’s readers.

Ben
Sherry Council of America

Hi Ben,
Thanks for emailing me multiple times about your booze events. Alas, me and my blog also write about my current foray into sobriety. So perhaps this isn’t the right event for me to cover. But thanks for thinking of me!
Beth

Hi Beth,

After reading your blog and checking out some of the stuff you’ve done on SFGate’s Culture blog, I have to ask: what is your experience with FarmVille? Moms, teachers, business executives – millions of ordinary people across the world – are taking a few minutes out of their busy days to plant strawberries, ask neighbors for farm help, or in the case of Mafia Wars, hold up liquor stores..

It’s kind of crazy, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on this for a fun post!

Take care,
Tom

Tom, are you kidding me? I automatically hide Farmville people! Farmville frightens me…

-Beth

And today, I received the following:

Hi Beth,

“Narodowe ?wi?to Niepodleg?o?ci,” in Polish that means “National Independence Day.” Polish Independence Day, celebrated on November 11th, marks the restoration of Poland’s independence in 1918.

No country celebrates 11/11 harder than the Poles. So here’s to you Poland.in recognition and celebration of your independence, we’d like to propose a toast with the #1 premium vodka in Poland and one of the world’s bestselling and fastest growing vodka brands, Sobieski Vodka.

Please let me know if you’re interested in specialty Sobieski cocktail recipes, images or a chance to speak with the President and CEO of Imperial Brands, Inc. (exclusive importer of Sobieski), Chester Brandes.

Best,
Krystina

Krystina, what the fuck?

First of all, why would any country celebrate Polish Independence Day harder than the Poles? Was that really a concern? Like Laos might celebrate the shit out of Polish Independence Day? I wasn’t worried.

Second of all, I can say with incredible confidence that Chester and I have nothing to say to each other, should I be so lucky as this “chance” to speak with him.

Happy 11/11!

Beth

I’m certainly grateful for the opportunity to be invited to events and interview interesting people. But sherry? Farmville? Polish Independence Day? Tip of the spam iceberg, folks.

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  • Greg Dewar

    Wow yours ARE worse than mine. Every time some bozo runs for Mosquito Inspector for East Jesus, Wherever sends me a fucking press release about it, or I get a million e-panhandle requests….

    Farmville. Wow.

  • antfaber

    Why do you think so many of us aren’t famous? 😉