This morning I woke with this feeling I didn’t know how to deal with. And so I decided to myself I’d hide it to myself. I’d never talk about it–I did not go and shout it. But Danny Bonaduce, well, I think I love you. And I’m afraid…I’m afraid of a love there is no cure for.
This is your third year in a row at the Exotic Erotic Ball, and maybe, baby, this’ll be our charm. I still remember a few years ago when I hosted a room for an around-the-world-themed room-to-room party. My room was Chatsworth, the porn capital of the world, and I decorated my pink walls with pages ripped from Penthouse. And then there you were, posing seductively behind a guitar large enough to hide your steaming man bits. Not many people shared my excitement for your cheeky pose and your aging muscular body, but then again not many people can experience true beauty without getting even a little bit jealous, now can they?
Isn’t that what life is made of? (Your beauty, I mean.) It worries me to say that I’ve never felt this way, even when you exposed yourself to the world at the 2007 ball and wound up on Perez Hilton (NSFW). I know it was cold, honey. But I kept that image close to my heart, as my laptop background for at least two weeks waiting for the next glimpse of you and your perfectly groomed tuft of flaming hair. I don’t know what I’m up against, but I’m pretty sure I can handle all of you, man. I’ve got so much to think about.
Believe me, you really don’t have to worry. I’ll make sure to wear the best sexy costume at the Ball so that you can get a good look of me getting a good look of you. (Plus, I kinda want/need that cash prize.) Danny boy, I want to honor you for honoring our fair, nymphomaniac city with your ginger hulk. It tickles me to no end that you’d want to be a part of this scintillating tradition. We could even pick up some matching fetish wear at the expo beforehand. Pretty in pink, that’s what they always say.
But if you say go away, I will…into the arms of Tila Tequila, a woman who’s willing to give a shot at love to almost anyone. You’ll be busy with Seymore Butts doing panels and the whole celeb thing at the expo, and she’ll need someone to treat her right on her birthday weekend. Hey girl hey, indeed. I hope you won’t mind my dalliances while you’re busy doing whatever fabulosity you do at these sorts of things. Grown-up child TV stars need some time to mingle at a so-called “world’s #1 wildest and sexiest party.” In a relationship like ours, I understand. Erotic endeavors are your thing (along with the occasional boxing match), and I only hope that you can fit me in…or that you can fit in me. Wink.
Do you think you love me too, Danny? Sure, you may lapse into random acts of violence, but we all have our little quirks. And mine is an utter devotion to you and your devotion to a largescale sexy bash. Are you ready for a whole lotta loving? Because you sure do put the “erotic” and “ball” into Erotic Ball.
What: 30th Annual (that’s XXX to you) Exotic Erotic Expo and Ball
When: Friday and Saturday, Oct. 23 and 24 (ball is Saturday night)
Where: Cow Palace in Daly City
Cost: $20 expo/$79 ball
Image by Anthony Citrano.
The Sexual Manifesto is Christine Borden’s weekly column on sex in the city, sex and culture, and, well, sex. Got a tip for Christine (and it’s not in your pants)? Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.