The only thing a San Francisco likes more than spending time outside in nice weather is making other people feel bad for not spending time outside in nice weather.

After a weekend of sunshine no San Franciscan can escape the Monday morning question: “So, you get outside to enjoy the weather this weekend?” Sometimes, especially if you come from Southern California, you want to say something like, “What nice weather?”

But you really can’t because then you’d have to admit that you come from Southern California, and if there’s anything a San Franciscan likes more than looking down on someone who can’t understand that sunshine is a gift it’s looking down on someone from L.A. who can’t understand that sunshine is a gift.

But of course not all outdoor activities are created equal. Any San Franciscan who has even an ounce of the right stuff knows that group physical activity such as ultimate Frisbee, touch football, or soccer is the pinnacle of nice day achievement and will instantly ingratiate you with your fellow city dwellers, as it tells them that you have confidence in your athletic skills, and also that you have more than two friends who have confidence in their athletic skills.

It also tells them that you might be the kind of person who has a tattoo somewhere on your body that says, “carpe diem,” which is one piece of Latin that any San Franciscan can understand or look up on Being sporty is followed closely by barbecuing in a park, bonus points if you make it all the way to Ocean Beach.

Being part of a barbecue shows that you have enough friends to carry a grill, and also that you spend so much time outdoors that you get hungry and need to eat a hamburger while you’re there. Unfortunately, getting drunk on a rooftop comes in last, as that’s what most San Franciscans do every morning before work anyway.

To a San Franciscan there is no waste that is a bigger waste than watching a movie on a sunny day, and we should all know by now that waste is a pretty big deal in San Francisco. If you dare to say that you did not go outside on a sunny day a San Franciscan might say, “Oh too bad,” but what they mean is that they don’t really want to be your friend anymore even though they already knew that to begin with.

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