The Final Destination — Century Centre 9

Isn’t everybody dead yet? One thing mainstream horror movies love to remind us of is that there’s no shortage of attractive young people in the world, and that those attractive young people need to die. Website.

Or you can go see Halloween II, where the fun never stops.

Play The Game — Embarcadero Center Cinema

Hey, cute title. What do you want to bet the moral of this movie is: don’t play the game?

Ordinarily I would glaze over this like anything not chocolate-covered at the supermarket, but this movie stars Andy Griffith and he’s the sheriff of Mayberry. Mayberry, in case you haven’t been paying attention, has undergone some changes. When Andy left to pursue his lifelong dream of marrying a Thai prostitute, Barney Fife took the law enforcement reins into his own hands. Accidentally tying those hands together and locking himself in the cell prompted some ranchers to seize the opportunity and raid the General Store for all the maple syrup they could line their pancake pockets with. This sparked a lawless riot, referred to in the press as “like after Rodney King but without anyone knowing a black person.” Long story short, Aunt Bea now runs a brothel called Breakfast Is Served, Opie’s training for his ultimate fighting amateur debut in Las Vegas, and Andy’s still running around Thai beaches chasing hookers with a plastic gun.

This is about an attractive young guy who helps an old guy get a date. Then of course the old guy has to help the young guy learn about life by reminding him that all young people are destined to die. Info.

It Might Get Loud — Embarcadero Center Cinema

This is a documentary about Jack White, The Edge, and Jimmy Page. You see, all three of these guys play the guitar. I don’t listen to music because my legs are too fat for the required jeans so I don’t know who these assholes are but I do respect anyone whose first name is “The”. You’ve got to hand it to those parents. It was a rocky time back then, with the drugs and all. See they saw the baby come out but didn’t really connect the dots, or read the signs in the hospital’s delivery room. When they got home and put the baby on the dinner table to examine it, it started crawling and they yelled, “Watch out! The edge!” Stunned by their own creative genius, they looked deeply into each other’s huge pupils, knocked everything off the table in one sweepingly romantic motion and made beautiful music right then and there. It might have gotten loud. Website. Info.

Somers Town — Lumiere Theater

This movie teams Shane Meadows up again with everyone’s favorite Nazi youth, Thomas Turgoose, from This is England. It’s about young outsiders hiding from their parents, fighting for a girl, and saying things with British accents. I don’t know if anyone dies but they damn well better or what’s left of the narrative thread about young people dying that strings this post together is fucking shot. Website. Info.

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