This press release proclaiming

Soles4Souls, Inc. is challenging all members of the media to go barefoot for at least 4 consecutive hours in public during the week and report its effects to your audience

was recently sent to the editorial staff of the Appeal.

The release goes on to talk about the tragic plight of people with no shoes and list the celebrities who will also be joining us in four whole hours of consecutive bare feet, or as it known to them, LAX-JFK.

The most interesting part of this press release, other than the fact that I’m barefoot right now and ugh, nothing’s happening, is the list of celebrities who’ve enthusiastically attached their name to this project:

Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Simpson, Randy Jackson, Zach Braff, Kellie Pickler, Tim Gunn, Antawn Jamison, Nick Lachey, Lance Bass, Riddick Bowe, Luke Perry, Amy Grant, and Chris Hope (among many other celebrities) are all supporting Soles4Souls

Other than Tim Gunn (who is Jesus Christ as far as I’m concerned and probably walking on broken glass to feel the pain of the masses), and those no one’s ever heard of, it’s a solidly douchey list, wouldn’t you say?

First of all, I think the entire third world would prefer Randy Jackson to keep his shoes on. Zach Braff, who showed his true colors on a rather awkward episode of Punk’d, no doubt figured this was the cheapest way to attach his name to “charity” and Nick and Jessica? What the fuck? Barefoot and back together?

Let’s wipe a tear for Amy Grant and Luke Perry. They’re just grasping at sad, sad straws. They’re probably hoping they can get paid for this. “Standing toe to toe with Kellie Pickler for the shoeless!”

And finally, king of the brilliant ideas, Lance Bass. This is the gay dude from N’Sync that tried to go into space. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Lance Bass. But taking off your shoes for 4 consecutive hours to raise awareness for the barefoot? That’s the brilliant call to action to alert the word that “an estimated 300 million children in the world who are forced to go barefoot in unsanitary conditions”? Well then, fine. I wanna see Scarlett Johansson crawling around raw sewage, up to her ankles in human waste. Then perhaps I’d be more inclined to think of Soles4Soles as a fabulous charity organization instead of a fabulous, all ladies, mid-90’s R&B group.

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