I’m sure you all knew this. In fact, you’ve probably been sitting on your hands all year long just waiting for today. Not me. I woke up oblivious.

Today is Earth Day.

The only reason I even know it’s Earth Day is because the Google homepage looks different. An underwater scene! Is it Jacques Cousteau’s birthday?!?! Oh. Nevermind. It’s just Earth Day.

The media is pretty blase about Earth Day, far too busy reporting on the depths of Susan Doyle’s eyebrows and that adorable Craigslist killer than to remind us that we’re all supposed to be recycling today. And not just everyday recycling. You’ve got to Earth Day recycle today. That means yogurt containers and aluminum foil. Ugh, what a drag. Thank God Earth Day is only once a year.

Isn’t every day Earth Day? Hasn’t it been that way since like, 1984, when we finally started caring about this? Those Green hippies are bicycling around all the time lecturing us all year long anyway. Had I known they only got one day, I would have told them to save it for April 22nd. Me and my SUV have places to be.

I’m picturing Al Gore sitting at a card table display in the middle of a park somewhere wondering why the hell no one gives a damn about his diorama of the North Pole. Earth Day’s so old school, it feels like one of those Spirit Days in 7th Grade, like Twin Day or Backwards Day. Even Earth is like, “One day? Really? Give me a break. You can take your stupid day and shove it where the sun doesn’t shine…which is basically nowhere because I’M MELTING!”