In case you all have been busy living your own interesting lives as opposed to the rest of us who’ve delighted in discovering the Newsoms’ wedding registry, please allow me to fill you in. Two different idiots gave Gavin and Jennifer $1,000 coffee pots. First of all, was it pots or makers? Because a coffee pot just holds coffee. But a maker, you know, makes it. Anyway you cut it, spending a grand on anything have to do with coffee is ridiculous. Is there crack in this coffee? Does this magic coffee halt aging or provide some sort of caffeinated orgasm? A quick search of “world’s greatest coffee maker” provides no answers to these questions, but I did discover that people I will never be friends with spend way more than $1,000 on coffee machines.

Shockingly, I actually know a few people who actually attended the Newsom wedding, including my friend and 7×7 columnist, Catherine Bigelow. Ms. B was spending time in the Emerald Isle when her engraved invitation arrived so, ever the class act, she bought the happy couple two mugs and a pitcher from a local potter. I wonder if Catherine knew how perfect her gift would be, what with the amazing coffee soon to be hitting the Newsom’s lips? Kudos to you, C-Big!

The other response to my “what did you get the Newsoms?” query (aside from the wise “Are you nuts, Spotswood. I ain’t tellin’ you shit.” responses) was from the Mayor’s spokesperson, Nathan Ballard who provided this gem; “The Ragones and the Ballards were going to go halvsies on a crock pot, but Burton beat us to it. Now it’s back to the drawing board.”

The future Mrs. Newsom apparently registered for every picture frame in the free world as the gift list seems to be littered with them. Of course, all of these frames cost a small fortune. We’re not talking coffee maker dollars here, but still. Oh, Mrs. Husband-Stealer, if you go to the back of any Ross Dress-for-Less, there’s a whole frame aisle! Sure, you’ve got to scrub the stickers off the front and dig past the “Best Friends” and butterflies junk, but you can’t beat $3.99. And really, isn’t it what goes in the frame that really matters?
Then at the next Newsom cocktail party, when some tiara’d dignitary admires a gilded frame holding a photo of Jennifer patting the head of a nameless and forgotten orphan child, she can say, “Do you love it? I love it. I got it at Ross.”

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