Indigestion Is Preferable To: The Box

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My raw onion indigestion during The Box was more enjoyable than the film itself, which Alex wondered would be like The Game. Yeah, a game of keeping my eyes from NOT rolling. Consequences, Choices, and everyone deals with the metaphor of boxes in their lives. Got it?

You know that ass-fuck that was The Fountain? This movie is like that movie only it has a limping, bad accented, sad face Cameron Diaz, who has not quite settled into her new cheek implants, and the Skeet Ulrich of Tom Cruises, James Marsden. They act like a loving family with a shitty kid, Walter (Sam Oz Stone), who talks like an adult. He (Arthur Lewis) works for NASA and she's (Norma Lewis) a teacher. A box arrives early one morning.

5:45 am (Clomp Clomp Clomp Clomp)

Cameron tightens up her robe

She opens front door

Cameron picks up box. James is also in a robe and has descended the stairs.

"What is it?"

"I don't know"

Shitty kid yells from the landing, he too sporting a robe, "Did Christmas come early?"

Next scene they are all sitting at a kitchen table with "perplex face" looking at a box.

Piano in the tone of the scary Eyes Wide Shut scene where the naked ladies in masks stand in a circle and Tom Cruise must approach them clothed. Enters screechy wind instruments.

Okay, first I thought it was just an M. Night Shymalan rip-off. Whatever. Then Kubrick, then it descends into Darren Aronofsky and a little David Lynch and then, finally Invasion of the Body Snatchers. If I wanted to be nice I'd say there are undertones from Rod Serling's Night Gallery. It's directed by the guy who did Donnie Darko, Richard Kelly, of whom I've never really been a fan.

Frank Langella arrives at their front door with a Harry Dent-style crater in his face. He tells Cameron that he'll give her one million (tax freeeee!!) bucks if she pushes the button, but someone she doesn't know will die. Oh, and it turns out the same day she's gonna get fired and James Marsden didn't pass some psych test so the astronaut job is out of the picture, so they're gonna be shit broke. Guess who pushes the button? Fucking wives, who needs them?

I know if I pushed the button I'd wish for the composer of the film to die. Okay, no not really that was mean, and now I know my destiny if I actually did that after watching this morality movie. If watching means my wristwatch. Seriously, this movie felt 4 hours long.

Okay, so it's about being a good person and choices you make, blahdity blah. WRONG.

It's about a man getting struck by lightning and exploiting the human race and being godly and alien-like and making you choose eternal damnation or bliss but whatever you choose you're going to end up getting fucked because you "pushed the button." Insert your own bad life choices here.

Then some weird shit happens and Cameron and James are both wandering in a library with the Invasion of the Body Snatchers who direct James to choose from three water portals, his destiny (eternal damnation or bliss), and then he chooses and transports into his house and water gets everywhere and they have to clean it up. Meanwhile Cameron is having a heart to heart about disfigurement with Frank Langella. No, REALLY.

There is some interconnected story lines that I'm not giving away because who knows - this all might interest you. I stopped paying attention when the weird body snatcher people stole the shitty kid and threw him in a motel pool that was actually another portal. Outcome bad and drawn out, but Frank taught yet another tragic lesson to the parents. The end.

The only redeeming thing about this movie is Frank Langella, but he's Frank Langella - with that voice and long face all he needs to do is phone in his lines.

The movie also refers twice to Sarte, which I don't know anything about because I don't give a shit. So, maybe I'm not getting something, and I don't really care.