I saw this movie Battle For Terra and was like, whoa, wait a minute, I need to investigate this a little more thoroughly. So I pulled out my cell phone and called the White House Czar of Strategic Military Research Analytics and Blue Sky Solutioneering for Alternative Future Scenarios and asked him the tough questions. I formatted it here as a Q&A to ensure no one reads it:
Me: What happens when the Earth uses up all its natural resources?
Czar: We call that a Stage 2 catastrophe. In that event, actor Brian Cox assumes control of all military forces.
Me: Of course.
Czar: We get NASA on the horn and they tell us which planet can sustain human life, given the “appropriate surface conditions”. Then we blitzkrieg whatever Dalai Lamas and Mother Teresas already live there, set up this cool terraforming device we copied from Command and Conquer, couple days later we’re drinking Jack, cuttin’ the rug.
Me: That doesn’t sound very dramatic.
Czar: Yeah so here’s what happens. Luke Wilson is leading our first offensive.
Me: Luke Wilson from Bottle Rocket is your front line?
Czar: Yeah. His plane crashes so he has to shack up with one of the flying worms that lives there.
Me: Oh I see, so it couldn’t exactly be Henry Rollins since there’s an interracial love story. Who’s the lucky lady?
Czar: Evan Rachel Wood.
Me: …
Czar: She organically downloads a bunch of Earth information from Luke’s mini-Wall-E robot, standard issue, and builds an oxygen chamber for him while he’s on their planet.
Me: I’m lost, are we still talking about alien worms?
Czar: They become friends and have to stop Brian Cox from gassing all the worms like Saddam Hussein in 98.
Me: Where’s the president in all this?
Czar: You mean Danny Glover? He tries to be cool about the whole thing but the voice of Brian Cox is too much for him.
Me: This sounds like a pretty typical government strategy.
Czar: Yeah but this planet is gonna look badass. They use clouds like we use dirt. And there are these giant whales that fly around.
Me: For the kids.
Czar: We did a lot of focus groups. Turns out everyone loves giant whales in the sky. Came in well above flying worms, black presidents, real glossy animation, Luke Wilson.
Me: So what happens in the end?
Czar: You walk out wondering if the kids got any of the blatant political commentary, but you’re pretty pleased cause you just got a lot of eye candy that didn’t make you feel fat like watching TV does. Then you overhear some dad asking his kid when Up is coming out.
Me: Yeah those Pixar guys are like the Navy Seals of animation. It must be hard for everyone else.
Czar: Hey I’ve got George Bush on the other line. He wants to play Halo 3. I gotta go.
Battle For Terra is part of the SFIFF and reminds us not to destroy the planet because Brian Cox and Luke Wilson won’t be able to save humanity forever. It’s also playing in Bay Area theaters now.
