Sandra Bullock and George Clooney are set adrift in the hellscape of space in this Alfonso Cuaron masterpiece. Not only is it likely the best movie you’ll see all year, it’ll probably get you excited about filmmaking again. Seriously, I want to go outside and film a plastic bag floating in the wind or some shit — movies are magic!

Runner RunnerEverywhere
Ben Affleck and Justin Timberlake are terrible in this terrible movie about a kid with a gambling problem and, like, a scary slick mob boss and blah blah blah. Man, Justin Timberlake just can’t catch a break. His new album is awful, his last album was awful, and now he’s made a movie that is more awful than his 90s ramen hair. I feel bad for the rich white man. JK, he can console himself with his piles of money and the fact that he gets to get dirty with Jessica Biel six nights a week! (Not on Sunday, though. That’s not how you get into 7th heaven. Bada bing.)

Metallica Through the Never 3DAMC Van Ness
Doesn’t it seem like Metallica releases a movie every week? The only thing worse than watching those idiots in therapy is being forced to watch their concert. I enjoy “Enter Sandman” as much as the next person with ears, but most of this music is garbage music. No offense, people who like terrible shit.

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