Captain PhillipsEverywhere
This time the Tom Hanks Oscar vehicle is a merchant marines ship that’s about to be boarded by some Somali pirates. It’s the type of film that uses all the adjectives — tense, gripping, drama-filled, suspenseful, stressful, nuanced. It’s a good, solid movie, but I don’t know if you’ll be thinking about it much after you leave the theater. Let’s reconvene here next week and see if you do.

Romeo and JulietEverywhere
Haven’t we seen this movie afuckingnough? Hasn’t this story been done to death? I just don’t care about two bored 13-year-olds who are just trying to get attention from their preoccupied families. I swear, this whole thing could’ve ended well if Papa Capulet told his daughter she was smart and capable every once in a while. Played a board game with her. Grilled some veggie burgers (you know she’s vegan). Right?

Machete KillsEverywhere
The lackluster sequel to the Danny Trejo hit, Machete. Get a load of this — he’s recruited by the President to take down a madman revolutionary/eccentric billionaire arms dealer who plans to spread war and anarchy across the planet. DANG, MACHETE! Good luck, dude. Not that you’ll need it. Wait, scratch that, though. Machete looks about a thousand years old and has lines in his face deep enough to hold several #2 pencils. I’m not exactly sure he’s up to saving the fucking planet. I get that it’s all fun and Trejo is undeniably a blast but…I guess there’s no but. You should see this if you like to watch Danny Trejo fuck shit up.

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