2 GunsEverywhere
Mark Wahlberg and Denzel Washington star in a police action buddy comedy film blah blah blah. Sloppy, illogical, and fairly entertaining if you’re into watching two guys become best friends forever LYLAS amid insane amounts of overblown violence. (If you miss it, don’t worry — there will be one just like it next week! And the week after! And so on, and so forth!)

The Smurfs 2Everywhere
Unfortunately for humanity, Smurf happens. There’s really nothing more to say. If you were fortunate enough to pop out one of god’s littlest angels unto this overpopulated shit carnival of a planet, please enjoy Katy Perry attempting to act her way out of this smurftastic nightmare! The Daily Show’s John Oliver is the only one who escapes relatively unscathed as the smurfvainest smurfbitch in the smurfdom.

Blue JasmineClay
Woody Allen’s San Francisco film! You gotta see it whether you love him or hate him because LOYALTY. Plus, sometimes it’s fun to hate on that prolific old bastard. It stars Cate Blanchett, a down on her luck rich bitch who comes to S.F. to stay with her sister and brother-in-law — played by Sally Hawkins and Andrew Dice Clay (!!!). It’s a satisfying flick, plus it’s fun to play “I’ve been there!” the whole movie and then complain about how they drive over the Golden Gate Bridge to get to Oakland and other such bullshit that happens in all movies about San Francisco.

Computer Chess MovieOpera Plaza
Deadpan, found-footage-style mockumentary about programming nerds in the early ’80s. This film will be great for all the rich dorks in S.F. who want to stare at computer screens for even more of their day. Like, what’s next — watching a movie about coding while coding within a code? Wait a minute, that movie might actually be more interesting. That said, at least it’s trying for something different and I can’t find fault with that (lie, I’m the worst), so if you’re looking to venture out — and you’re not afraid of a film letting you be bored — then this could be just the ticket to get that hot nerd into the sack.

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