Meet the MillersEverywhere
Jason Sudeikis attempts to stay relevant post-SNL. You can see him die in every scene. No, jk, this is a fun story about a ragtag group of misfits who have to band together to transport a shitton of marijuana over the Mexico-California border. You’ve probably heard about it because Jennifer Aniston strips in it. If you really want to see Jennifer Aniston strip, check it out. If you want to see a good movie, maybe no?

The Spectacular NowKabuki, Century Centre 9
White teens getting drunk together. It’s about a charming little dude who hooks up with an awkward girl and they’re alcoholic together because his dad is an alcoholic and they learn to love and laugh through the pain and then they grow up. It’s a high-brow teen movie for adults. I enjoyed it because that’s kinda my thing, but you should know going into it that it’s not some modern classic like She’s All That.

I’m sorry, but this looks cheesy as hell and good as hell. It’s 2154 and the world is divided — actually, the world is united in poverty and garbage and sadness, and up in space live all the richies on this roving satellite thingy of happiness and feasts and infinity pools called Elysium. One day, Matt Damon gets pissed as fuck and is all “ELYSIUM!!!” and shakes his fists at the heavens/Elysium, and then becomes half-man, half-robot, 100-percent monster and then just charges that space station and fucks shit up. Yes.

A movie about pornstar-turned-pornhater Linda Lovelace’s rise to fame on the back of the clit in the back of her mouth. If you did not get that — I don’t know how you could’ve, I wasn’t making much/any sense — I was talking about Deep Throat, the porn movie starring Lovelace as a woman with a clitoris in her throat and the only way for her to find true happiness is to suck a bunch of giant dicks. So yes, she starred in that and then she got super pissed and anti-porn and it’s a big ugly story of sadness that involves tons of violence against women and it’s really awful. Anyway, it’s a biopic, so you know it’s not gonna be GREAT, but if you’re down to get deep into Lovelace’s harrowing past, it could be a worse movie. If you aren’t, just don’t rent Deep Throat and call it a night.

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