Closed Circuit – Everywhere
YOU WISH this was a sequel to Short Circuit, but then you’d be dreaming too big. Instead, it’s another lukewarm international suspense thriller about ex-lovers being forced to team up to fight terrorism. Just stay home and watch Short Circuit instead and send me the $11 you saved because I’m saving up to buy a real adult teevee!
One Direction: This Is Us in 3D – Everywhere
Just a bunch of cock tease hot boys almost making out for two hours. So, yeah, you can watch this, or you can watch Taylor Swift saying shut the fuck up at the VMAs over and over.
Spaceballs – Clay
The easy winner for the weekend, but it’s only showing at midnight on Friday so grab your honey and get ready to comb through the desert with an afro pick. WE AIN’T FOUND SHIT!
Getaway – Everywhere
Burned out Ethan Hawke plays a burned out race car driver who has to save his wife because she was kidnapped by an evil man and yada yada yada. It’s a midlife crisis in a movie, and it’s NOT pretty. One day, people will play it at bad movie festivals and every time Ethan Hawke talks, someone will use a sound effects machine to play a fart over his voice. (p.s. Fuck you if you cheated on Uma Thurman SHE’S UMA THURMAN)
