Red 2 – Everywhere
Bruce Willis stars as Another White Man in another white man-led action-comedy buddy movie sequel that doesn’t need to exist. Please take two The Heats and call me in the morning so that I can yell at you for seeing this POS. Paolo agrees that it’s nothing to shout about, here’s his review.
R.I.P.D. – Everywhere
Okay, get this. It’s Jeff Bridges and Ryan Reynolds as a duo of white men cops in a “3D supernatural action-adventure”. Seriously, two white men buddy flicks in one weekend! Again, my prescription is to take two The Heats and call me in the morning. Again, so I can yell at you.
The Conjuring – Everywhere
Oh this looks scary as FUCK, my friends. Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga are world renowned paranormal investigators (ok??) who have to investigate the crap out of some terrifying demons who live in a creepy old farm house. OH HELL NO JUST MOVE. This film is traumatizing in the best sense of the word, and if you want to be so scared that you crap your pants, put on your Depends and head down to your local multiplex.
Turbo – Everywhere
It’s the second Ryan Reynolds movie of the weekend — that bro loves to act! Fair enough. If I were paid aprox. ten gagabillion dollars to voice a snail, I’d be all “ACTING!!!!” while beating myself over the head with the comedy tragedy masks. Anyway, a medium-talented animated film about a snail who wants to be the fastest snail in the world. Take your kids, and hope they put you in a nice elderly care facility to live out your golden days.