Fast & Furious 6 – Fast & Furious 6
Because the lord loves our lovely and illustrious Editor and Publisher Eve Batey, she released this on her birthday. It’s basically just Michelle Rodriguez, Paul Walker, and VIn Diesel driving cars, and it’s ridiculously fun. Director Justin Lin has made it clear that he doesn’t give a SHIT about anything but amazing action sequences — and he’s so fucking good at those, it doesn’t matter that the script was written by 15 two-year-olds in crayon on the back of a Chuck E. Cheese menu. Seriously, you gotta go. For Eve.
The Hangover III – Everywhere
Because the lord hates me, he released this on my birthday. That’s right, Eve and I share the VERY SAME BIRTHDAY — put that in your pipe and smoke it! And then pass it to us! But enough about your already drunk leaders, this is the third installment of the wildly successful, medium talent franchise. The best thing I can say about this is that at least the posters have “It All Ends” written on them. We can only pray that’s true, but I’m guessing if this does well (DON’T GO TO SEE IT), the next poster will be all “You Thought It Was Over…” *Shoots self and entire world in face and/or junk*
Epic – Everywhere
It’s a kid’s movie, and from what I can tell it has a female lead but is catered more to boys — which I think is very cool. Little boys need to see examples of strong and capable girls and women a LOT more often. Plus, Beyonce does a voice in it, so you know it can’t be all bad. The illuminati wouldn’t allow it. OR WOULD THEY??