After Earth – Everywhere
What’s that? You don’t hate M. Night Shyamalan yet? You’re willing to give him another shot? Well then this is the film for you! Jaden Smith is billed above his father, because he is a more famous movie star. Or nepotism. Whatever! This looks truly fucking awful, and you absolutely cannot see it.
Now You See Me – Everywhere
A heist movie with magicians pulling off ridiculous tricks (sorry, illusions). It stars all the famous people, and James Franco’s little brother, Dave Franco. Who is probably actually played by James Franco. It’s like Ocean’s Eleven meets The Prestige but with less clever twists by far. It’s an airplane rental (but only if it’s free!) (see what I did there!) Rain thought it was just OK.
Venus and Serena
– Opera Plaza Cinema
It’s a documentary as celebration — an enthusiastic cheering section for the tennis wunderkind sisters. If you love tennis or gossip, you’ll probably see it. If not, let’s go get drunk and hit the Dolores Park courts instead, ok? I’m inspired.