Jack the Giant Slayer – Everywhere
Directed by Bryan Singer, and written by about 15 people, it’s a 2013 IN YOUR FACE version of the beloved fairy tale about a young boy who kills a giant for some green beans, or whatever. This is the highly-stylized remix, reboot, etc. for today’s kids who have no attention span, and a family-size pack of Twizzlers. Buy your kid a Coke the size of an Alhambra water jug, and just get the damn thing over with.
21 and Over – Everywhere
From the writers of The Hangover, comes The Hangover for teenage boys! I guess the writers of a box office goldmine should get the chance to make some more movies — although why did/is Craig Mazin writing the sequels? What happened there? I’m very curious! However, this total and complete racist, sexist garbage isn’t even funny. Not one laugh. If you’re gonna bring your racist, sexist A-game, you need to at least make people laugh. That’s like, the first rule of douche school — back to the drawing board, boys!
Phantom – Everywhere
David Duchovny, Ed Harris, Cold War-Era, haunted submarine captain, writer of White Squall. I think we all know where this is going, and it’s somewhere GREAT! OK, maybe not great, but at least entertaining, in a B-movie pulp thriller type way. Plus, David Duchovny AND Ed Harris? Reow. (Combo of a rawr and meow?) (No?)
56 Up – Opera Plaza
In 1964, Michael Apted began documenting the lives of 14 English white kids (OK, one is mixed-race!) from diverse backgrounds. He checks in every seven years, and makes a documentary about it. Now the kids are 56, and it’s so crazy to see them getting a little old! Crazy, and also depressing! But interesting. But also very depressing, because once you were a young lad milking sheep, and now you are an old man who can barely write. It’s a real mind-fuck if you watch the entire series in a day, as I once did. Time is a real b.
The Jeffrey Dahmer Files – Roxie
OMG, just click thru on the above link to see the poster for this thing. It’s both terrifying and hilarious. This documentary about charming, disgusting serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer is for true-crime aficionados. Duh. If you’re into that, you’ll eat it up like, well… nevermind. If you’re not, you’ll just be beyond grossed out, and a little bored, too. Bad combo, my friends.
The Last Exorcism Part II – Everywhere
OK, here’s another one with a poster you gotta check out. It looks like she’s doing yoga, but I guess she’s actually being exorcised. MORE LIKE EXERCISED, AM I RIGHT? Sorry, that was ridiculous, but so is this dumb knock-off horror movie. Get ready for more and more of these because they’re relatively inexpensive to make, and people seem to go to them, so Hollywood has ordered up approx. a billion. Yay.