Emperor – Everywhere
Does Tommy Lee Jones have Bell’s Palsy? Because I don’t think that dude can smile anymore. Something happened to him; please look into it. So, this movie is TLJ as General Douglas MacArthur and explores the complications and shittiness of military occupation. Obviously it’s timely, but it’s also really boring, too polished and shiny, and focuses waaaay too much attention on a love story that’s inconsequential to the plot. Take your creepy, sad military-obsessed uncle, or just skip it in favor of reading John Dower’s excellent Embracing Defeat: Japan in the Aftermath of World War II and be a smarter, better, older (it’s hella long) person for it.
Oz The Great and Powerful – Everywhere
Finally, an Oz story with a male protagonist — the world was waiting! (UGH.) Basically, this is how James Franco’s weed trip turned into a multi-million dollar Disney blockbuster. It’s basically how Oz becomes Oz, with Oz being played by Franco, and the three witches — Theodora (Mila Kunis), Evanora (Rachel Weisz) and Glinda (Michelle Williams) — who change his life. In bed. JK, but probably. I’ll watch it because it’s Oz related, but I’ll also I’ll be wearing a t-shirt that reads “I’d Rather Be Watching Wicked,” because that’s my #1 Oz jam. And, although seemingly not very much related to what we’ve been talking about, I will take this opportunity to warn you to never, ever watch Return to Oz NEVER EVER. That is all.
Adventures of Serial Buddies – AMC VanNess
This is billed as the very first “serial killer road trip comedy.” I am not shitting you. It looks god-awful, and I don’t even think it even involves any murder. What a rip off! It sounds very similar to the horrible Horrible Bosses, and I just can’t watch another dude buddy comedy, no matter how many serial killers are in it. I’m maxed out on bromances. I maxed out back at Cop and a Half; I’m done.
Dead Man Down – Everywhere
From the director of the original Swedish The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, it’s a revenge thriller starring Colin Farrell and Noomi Rapace. There are more plot holes than in an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba, and it’s ULTRA violent, but. Two words: Colin. Farrell. Ugh, I love that man — he is so damn sexy. I also love that he respects himself so little that he’d make out with Britney Spears in public during her breakdown. It just doesn’t get any better than that sexy dumbass.
A Place at the Table – Opera Plaza
A heartbreaking, somber look at the issue of food insecurity in the United States. It dives right in, and gets into the real issues of poverty and our nation’s fucked dismissal and abuse of poor people. Oh, you’ll cry and cry; and you should, because one-in-four American children don’t know where their next meal is coming from because of a corrupt system that ensures the rich get richer and the poor get sicker. See this documenary, get shaking mad, do something about it. I’m going to. (And I’m HELLA lazy!)