Beautiful CreaturesEverywhere
It’s a thoughtful, fun, and complex Twilight-esque fantasy adventure about witches and warlocks. It’s a sexy teen romp that knows what it is, and so it’s not too embarrassing to watch. In fact, it’s pretty damn fun. Hopefully teen fantasy shit will move more in this direction, and things will get better in the genre. I don’t have high hopes, but go see this so it makes at least 1/1445th the amount of money as Twilight. HOPE. CHANGE.

A Good Day to Die HardEverywhere
This is just Bruce Willis trimming his nose hairs and trying to make it to the bathroom on time! Die Hard! By all accounts, it’s a third-rate Die Hard experience, with exactly the no-plot, explosives-heavy shitstorm you’re expecting. That said, a third-rate Die Hard experience is worth more to me than most things, so I’ll probably see it. And think it’s terrible. But then, it’ll be Christmas time again soon, and I’ll watch the original Die Hard, and all will be forgiven.

Escape from Planet Earth 3DEverywhere
If you have kids and have to see this, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for the earth, because you and your kids are killing it. That said, babies are the best, I want ten. BEING A WOMAN IS HARD! Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate ACK!

Safe HavenEverywhere
Oooh… another Nicholas Sparks? It’s been too long! This is the one with Julianne Hough and Josh Duhamel, and it looks ACTIVELY terrible. Is it terrible because of the wooden acting? Or is because of the schmaltzy script that doesn’t know if it’s a thriller or a romance? Or is it the complete lack of direction that makes you want to bang your head against a wall until you wake up in a space and time without love or movies? It’s anybody’s guess!

A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan IIIKabuki
It’s that Roman Coppola* movie where Charlie Sheen basically plays himself, but as a graphic designer. Like Charlie Sheen could even begin to understand Photoshop. LOLOLOLOL dying over here thinking about him trying to resize a picture YEAH RIGHT. Oh, it’s too good. What if he attempted to apply layer styles? OMG. I’d pay money to see Charlie Sheen actually do these things.

*You know his name because of his familial relations, not because he’s a valid filmmaker who in anyway deserves to be making a movie.

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