Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters – Everywhere
It’s the time of year when either nothing is released, or the crap that studios know don’t hold a chance at winning anything is tossed into the theaters like so much garbage. This is saying a lot since I believe there are awards for things like “Best Baby in a Motion Picture’s Trailer” and “Greatest Fart on Set.” Anyway, Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters stars Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton in the title roles — they’re grown-up and they’re hell bent on retribution. Just about as hell bent as Hollywood is on never creating anything new and good. This movie is about as stale as the witches’ house — do not fall prey because you think Jeremy Renner is kinda cute.
Movie 43 – Everywhere
The tag is “Will you poop on me?” Now, that might normally endear me to a movie but this star-studded shitfest looks like an actual pile of doo-doo. It has every celebrity in Hollywood in it and a bunch are refusing to promote it because it’s that bad. These are people who promoted Dark Tide and Titanic, so you know things are BAD.
Parker – Everywhere
Typical Jason Statham thriller brought down by the weight of Jennifer Lopez’s performance/clip-on hair. Lots of explosives and plenty of ass-kicking, so if that’s all you’re into, you should check it out. If you enjoy things like plot and entertainment, you might want to stay home and twiddle your fiddle instead of watching these two jag-off’s try to out boring each other. Rain and Eve saw it last night and thought it blew, here’s Rain’s review.
Quartet – Embarcadero
It’s the one non-stinker in the bunch! (Jesus, every day I sound more and more like my dad.) In Dustin Hoffman’s directorial debut, we follow a group of retired classical musicians in a nursing home. It’s funny in a sweet way, in the way that your very old parents and friends would enjoy it, too. It’s a kind movie, but it’s not so dull you want to slit your wrists to make it end. Which doesn’t sound that difficult to execute, but it is. Grab your grandma, and head to the thee-ate-her!