Gangster SquadEverywhere
Super violent film that’s also, despite its best attempts at being badass, a little cheesy. It’s all ridiculous costume-y costumes and silly accents, men with guns a’ blazing, blah blah blah. If you like mob thrillers, The Untouchables isn’t bad, or what about the one with kids who use pies instead of guns? That’s definitely a better movie, look that one up. OK, fine, I’ll look it up, please hold. Bugsy Malone! Go watch that instead.

A Haunted HouseEverywhere
A horror film spoof a la Scary Movie, taking on the Paranormal Activity franchise. Of course, a Wayans is involved, this time it’s Marlon. He discovers his girlfriend is possessed by crazy-ass ghosts, and tries to escape unscathed. I don’t know why I’m attempting to explain the plot to you, this is gonna be so fucking stupid. That said, there’s about a 35% chance that it’ll be stupid in a good way.

California SoloOpera Plaza
An indie flick about an ex-brit rocker who settles in Los Angeles and lives a zombified, ex-brit rocker existence. One day, he’s pulled over for DUI, and is threatened with deportation unless he can prove he has “meaningful connections” in the United States. Cue his estranged ex-wife and their kid who, naturally, hates his estranged father. It’s a meandering movie that’s not particularly funny or dramatic, but still somewhat interesting because our lead — the irresistible Robert Carlyle — is hard to stop watching. I think it’s some sort of English curse. Anyway, it’s a rental, unless you feel like supporting your local indie-ish house, and then it’s a trip to the Opera Plaza Cinemas with dinner at Ananda Fuara beforehand. MEDIOCRE DATE NIGHT PLANNED, YOU’RE WELCOME.

Now HERE’S something I can get behind! A documentary about the paparazzi and their crazy, wily ways from rock and roll photographer Kevin Mazur. Includes interviews with many of my faves — Jennifer Aniston, Elton John, Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kid Rock — about how hard it is to be famous. I’m torn because yeah, it looks shitty to have assholes photograph your every move but then also I GOTTA SEE KATE MIDDLETON TOPLESS. JK, but if they really want to stop the photogs, they gotta stop public consumption, and if they want to stop public consumption, they gotta stop violator #1, Kim Kardashian. I’m pretty sure she buys every US Weekly each week to see when and where she’s mentioned. If she’s not on at least half the pages, PUBLICISTS’ HEADS WILL ROLL. Seriously, stop her, and save a nation.

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