At this year’s New Year’s Eve party I realized I’d missed an opportunity to wear a gown.

Now, I love gowns and I have a lot of gowns but it’s hard to find places to wear them. Sure, I could wear them grocery shopping. But it’s way more fun to wear them in a nice place, around other dressed up people.

So this year, rather than some stupid New Year’s resolution that just ends up making me feel bad about myself, I’m planning opportunities in which to wear gowns. Gownportunities, if you will.

The first occasion is a brunch I’ve wanted to do for a long time, ever since I had breakfast at Mario’s Bohemian Cigar Store next to a woman who looked like she had just crawled out of some strange bed, still drunk, still dressed up for the night before and very, very satisfied. I’m calling this event The Walk of Shame Brunch. All you have to do is put on your eveningwear and all your makeup before going to bed (or just keep on what you wore the night before) and wake up in the morning, mascara dripping off your face, rumpled gown, matted furs and all, and haul it out to a boozy brunch.

The next occasion is simply for people to dress up in fancy clothes that they rarely get to wear. I had mentioned it before in my piece Your Life Is An Occasion Worth Dressing Up For, and called it The Raise The Bar Event, but now I’m thinking Gown about Town might be clearer. The idea here is that we meet at a lovely place, maybe the bar at the Fairmont, and we all show up dressed fancy as all get out. Then I’ll take pictures and use them in this column.

And lastly, SantaCon got me thinking that I want a Con that I’d enjoy. I think SantaCon is a bummer. I don’t need to see a sexy Santa ever, especially in the sunlight. Honestly I don’t think sexy Santas should be allowed to slut around before dark. It ruins Christmas, not only for the kids who still believe, but for people with good taste.

It also occurred to me that almost all dress up events are for trying to look good or sexy or some slant on that and really, snore. So I want to bring into being Phyllis Diller Con. You put on your ugliest wig, your tackiest dress, your most clunky shoes and show up at a bar doing your best Phyllis laugh. Though it may scare the children, at least it won’t rob them of multiple innocences at once.

My dream is for one of these events to eventually become a charity fundraiser. Who knows?

I’m thinking I’ll do the Walk of Shame Brunch first and I’m thinking February. 15 Romolo said I could do it there, and with their amazing drinks and great food I think it would be perfect. So if you’re interested in any of these events keep reading this column and I’ll post times and places.

Get ready to get dressed up and get goofy in 2013.

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the author

Babe Scanlon is a writer living and working in San Francisco. She's worked as an archaeologist, computer game designer, agent at Agent Provocateur and hypnotherapist. She is controlling your mind at this very moment.

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