Killing Them Softly – Roxie
Three idiots try to con the mob and then a bad-ass Brad Pitt hunts them down with his rifle. It’s nice to see Brad Pitt playing someone who isn’t an idiot, it must be a little difficult for him, even. I give this movie an A for effort, and C for being a stylish and pretentious piece of masturbatory “art”. If you want to impress a low-level d-bag with your great taste in alt movies, take them to see it!
Parental Guidance – Everywhere
God-Awful ensemble comedy starring the anti-funny, Billy Crystal. Not even the delightful Bette Midler (who is the drag queen version of herself, if you have not noticed) can save this pile of stinky trite garbage. Schmaltzy and tired, it’s the perfect film to watch with your family — nobody will be offended and/or entertained by its easy morals and stupid-but-still-unfunny jokes.
Django Unchained – Everywhere
From the lovely Rain, “Django Unchained is a kickass 90 minute movie. Unfortunately, the actual movie is almost three hours long, and is, essentially two movies in one. Both of the stories are good, but by the time you get to the second one, you can’t help but compare it unfavorably to the first, because the first is much more fun. Also, by then, you’re just plain tired…I kind of wish he went the Kill Bill route, and released two films, but made sure both were tight movies under two hours long.”
Les Miserables – Everywhere
If you long held a flame for this Broadway crapsterpiece, it’s time to be both dazzled and disappointed! 2-4-6-0-ONNNNNE! If you aren’t, just skip it and pat yourself on the back for being a cool person with friends. Please note: If you’re a devotee, don’t try to take someone new see this, you’re not going to convert them in an Eponine-loving fool. You’re just not, all you’re going to accomplish is embarrassing yourself with the bad taste of your teenage years. I took my boyfriend to see Rent and watching the show through his eyes was like seeing a figure skater fall again and again — I couldn’t stop apologizing for the poor judgment of my childhood! Don’t be like me, don’t take a loved one to see Les Mis!
The Central Park Five – Everywhere
Directed by Ken Burns and his daughter Sarah, this doc is about the five black and latino teenagers who were charged with brutally attacking and raping a white female jogger. Four of the five are now free, and the documentary makes an incredibly strong case for the fact that they never should’ve been jailed in the first place. Institutional racism + in-your-face racism + shitty police work + awful media bias = black dudes going to jail for being near a white woman. It’s a heartbreaking, sobering, and a shocking look at our extremely flawed criminal justice system. It wins this week’s award for must-see flick, and may god have mercy on all of our terrible, terrible souls!
My Worst Nightmare – Opera Plaza Cinema
Broad french rom-com about opposites attracting and making it work! Totally unrealistic and ridiculous, but it does have some decent laughs and will make you fall in love with love. What more can you ask for this holiday season? Besides more champagne? Which brings me to my next point, definitely watch this with a light buzz, it’ll help with the French being French thing, and if you get bored, you can fall asleep in a delightful stupor. Happy New Year!