The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 – Everywhere
It got “hot” teenagers and is filled with drama DRAMA DRAMA!!! but still manages to be SO BORING. It doesn’t even have the joy of a good bad teen movie, ya know? There’s just nothing special or great about this movie, or the franchise, and its success confuses me to no end. I could even get behind it as masturbatory fodder, but it’s NOT EVEN SEXY. Everyone in the movie looks like they smell and yeah, I don’t get it. It’s the movie equivalent of Renee Zellweger, there’s just nothing there and yet, it’s famous. I don’t understand anything send me to out to sea.
Anna Karenina – Everywhere
Beautiful eye candy distracts from an overall lackluster everything else. The lush costumes and opulent set design, though, is mos def worth seeing. Sometimes you just wanna get lost in a corset, you know? Plus, if you’re a fan of the book, nothing I say can make you not see it. Likewise, if you just love costume dramas, just go spend your two hundred bucks, or whatever it costs to see a matinee these days, I know I can’t hold your velvet loving ass back.
Silver Linings Playbook – Century San Francisco Centre 9 and XD
Old man Bradley Cooper and very young person Jennifer Lawrence are two crazy people who find each other and then find love. Of course, nobody finds the age gap disturbing, but this is Hollywood, where Burt Reynolds can fuck Dakota Fanning and nobody bats an eye. I don’t think that actually happened, but I refuse to rule it out, and you get the point. Anyway, the movie looks like a decent rom-com, so I’ll see it, and I’ll probably really enjoy it while it’s happening, and then forget about the whole thing the next day. So, just like really good sex.
Holy Motors – Embarcadero
A grumpy-yet-charming-yet-insane French man is chauffeured in his limo around town, transforming into new people at each stop. This bizarre and adorable movie weaves together several different stories into one giant whimsical French clusterfuck. Oui oui!
Brooklyn Castle – Opera Plaza
A must-see documentary about middle school chess players fighting to save their chess club program. I know that doesn’t sound very “must-see” but it’s goddamned winning and if you don’t fall in love with each of these little geniuses, you should just jump into the Bay and swim to Alcatraz and lock yourself away in the Bird Man’s old cell because you, sir, are CUCKOO.