Seven Psychopaths – Everywhere
Another Martin McDonagh movie about white guys being violent and speaking so fast and we can’t understand them. So basically, it’s Guy Ritchie but smarter? Anyway, I really love some of McDonagh’s plays — The Pillowman fucked me up for about two years — but his movies falls a little flat. I don’t know why? Maybe this one will be better because it stars every wise-cracking white acting man. SO MANY WHITE MEN CRACKING WISE. Anyway, check it out if you’re into watching white men talking to and about each other, I guarantee you’ll at least be mildly amused.
Argo – Everywhere
White man Ben Affleck plays Latino Tony Mendez in this dramatic reenactment of the 1979 mission to rescue six Americans trapped by militants in Iran. It’s suspenseful, stressful, and pretty solid if you like political thrillers. And you do, because man, what can beat a good political thriller? With the exception of the Hulk Hogan sex tape, pretty much nothing. Rain liked it, too — here’s her review.
Here Comes the Boom – Everywhere
Kevin James plays a teacher who decides to start ultimate fighting (or whatever) to raise money for his school. It’s a little ridiculous when shitty comedies pretend to have a heart of gold — it’s like, stop trying to make us feel anything, just be stupid. If the filmmakers really gave a shit about our fucked educational system, they would’ve just donated the millions (billions?) it took to make this movie to buy books and edible school lunches and you know, real teachers’ salaries. It rings so false as to be laughable, but not in a fun way, kinda like when Romney says things like, “I care about poor people.” lolz what?
The Other Dream Team – Embarcadero
A pretty awesome documentary about the 1992 Lithuanian Olympic basketball team. In short, their story mirrors the fall of the Soviet Union, except backwards, kinda. YOU’LL SEE, it’ll all make sense after the movie. If you like basketball and hate communism, this is your flick pick for the weekend!
The Oranges – Clay
Dark comedy about single slutra Leighton Meester trying to seduce a married Hugh Laurie. YEAH SURE OKAY. Honestly, that would usually be enough for me to be all in — I’ve got a hard-on for Lolita bullshit (and Hugh Laurie) like any red blooded American male (NO HOMO) — but there’s something about this movie that just feels dead to me. Like, nothing doing. I don’t go to the movies to be bored, I go to either laugh at or with celebrities. In this case, I’m doing neither of those to things, so I must say: NO THANK YOU HOLLYWOOD.