Paranormal Activity 4Everywhere
If you’re a fan of the franchise, there are a few scares in here that you might make you shit your pants (in the most enjoyable way possible, you weirdo horror nuts). Unfortunately, it looks like in their haste to get out sequels, the quality continues to go downhill. Pretty soon it’ll just be like, a couple and the guy farts so loudly in his sleep that it keeps waking them up and they can’t figure out what it is PARANORMAL ACTIVITY!

Alex Cross– Everywhere
Tyler Perry as Not Madea! It’s a big day, folks. Actually, it’s really not because this movie is BAD. Like, really bad. Like, so bad it’s funny. Based on the novels by James Patterson, we’re supposed to believe that Perry is Madea in disguise as a detective who’s hot on the heels of psychotic serial killer named “Picasso.” I have the feeling that this film will find its cult following in about 10-15 years so if you want to discover it before its midnight showings at the Clay, check it out.

Atlas Shrugged 2Everywhere
Hits you so clumsily (and repeatedly) over the head with Ayn Rand’s ridiculous messages that it’s best viewed as an absurdist comedy that’s also kinda boring. So, uh, I guess it’s just best not viewed at all.

Fat Kid Rules the WorldAMC Metro 16
FAT KIDS UNITE! Actually, this movie is kinda sad so maybe it’s more like: FAT KIDS STAY HOME AND EAT PIZZA! Jkjk, this movie does have a few highlights, and it’s directed by Matthew Lillard, who I wasn’t sure was still alive, so that makes me happy. Basically, Troy, the fat kid, befriends a street musician and his dad is uncomfortable with the relationship and tries to protect Troy and in the process is a huge jerk. It’s basically the script from Save the Last Dance but with all dudes and no dancing.

Tai Chi ZeroEverywhere
It’s just a bunch of fighting, and they’re good fight scenes, especially one that’s basically a live action version of Fruit Ninja, so if you love a good choreographed street battle, this is for you. If you’re looking for plot, substance, etc., the fuck are you doing at TAI CHI ZERO. Go to a play or something, dummy.

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