Dredd 3D – Everywhere
It looks a thousand times better than the Stallone adaptation of the far future dystopian comic. But also, watching my butthole on the big screen is a thousand times better than the Stallone version of this far future dystopian comic. You know what I find annoying? When, like, the lead of a movie is so invincible that he can run up against ANY type of hulked out army of billions and still come out on top. I guess that’s okay when our hero has to get creative and wily about it, but when they’re just running through solid curtains of bullets and like, “Phew! Nobody got me!” It’s like, COME ON. I’m tired of these lies being fed to our children!! Anyway, the look of the movie is very dark and broody and scary and if you’re into being the judge, jury, and executioner (what American isn’t!), then you’ll have a grand ol’ terrifying time. Eve didn’t think much of it, here’s her review.
House at the End of the Street – Everywhere
Maybe it’s a romantic comedy about a charming couple who buy their first chock-full-of-love house? Wrong! It’s a horror film, of course. Filmed in 2010, the release was delayed twice, who knows why, probably so that lead Jennifer Lawerence could get famous-er and maybe then a few people would go see it? It looks kinda scary, I guess? Basically, this creepy dude lives in a house at the end of the street where his parents were murdered and sister disappeared and everyone’s like THAT KID IS A CREEPSTR but then a sweet young thang moves in down the street and is like, “He’s sweet and weird, unlike the rest of you normals in this cookie cutter town!” Of course, the normals turn out to be right and she totally gets it. Idiot girl, always try to fit in!!
The Master – Everywhere
I don’t get it. Paul Thomas Anderson’s latest is about a megalomaniac who is trying to start a new religion. SOUND FAMILIAR? That’s right, he interviewed me extensively. Psych! It’s L. Ron Hubbard, that fucker is nuts. I don’t know, it looks interesting as an exercise in film making and playing with the rules of convention but ultimately, if you want to zone out and enjoy staring at a nice pair of knockers this weekend, you’re better off seeing Dredd. If you want to support artists and their ability to actually make it into a megaplex, I guess you better suck it up and buy a ticket to The Master and then sneak into Dredd. Don’t feel guilty, in just a few years film students everywhere will be pretending to understand it for you. Enjoy the judge, jury, and the executioner!
End of Watch – Everywhere
This looks like a pretty fun and intense action film about some cops who accidentally take on an entire Mexican drug cartel. Good luck, friends! I noticed in the trailer that our heroes basically stroll through a wall of flying bullets and emerge unscathed. “We’re gonna shoot our way outta here,” says one of our guys, with nothing more than a Nintendo Power Glove and a can-do attitude for protection. COME ON! Of course, I’ll still see it and get super PUMPED and be ready to just go crazy on someone or hop on the treadmill for a good half hour after, something INTENSE.
How to Survive a Plague – Embarcadero
This is a documentary about how a group of amazing activists took on Pharmaceutical companies and the Capitol to demand action against A.I.D.S. These people are warriors and true heroes and this never-before-seen archival footage from the 1980s and ’90s is a must see, and truly stirring, heartbreaking, and inspiring. If you don’t come out of this with the will to rage against the machine, just parkour your way off the top of Coit Tower.
Troop Beverly Hills + Sing-a-long + COOKIES! – Roxie
It’s not enough that the Roxie is showing one of the best movies of the 80s, they’re throwing in freshly made cookies and a sing-a-long to the smash hit, “Cookie Time.” What could be better?! Probably lots of things, but we’re all too poor to afford them so, see you there!