Arbitrage – Everywhere
Richard Gere plays a seemingly mega-successful business magnate who is crumbling beneath his shiny exterior in this Nicholas Jarecki suspense-thriller. It looks not terrible and not great so if you’re in the mood to know that Richard Gere is still alive, check it out. Seriously, where has that dude been? And how old is he? He’s gotta be pretty old, right? Because he was already an old perv in Pretty Woman and that was in 1990! Do you think his stunt double has to basically act the entire movie for him? I bet every time you see him move, it’s actually someone else’s body with Gere’s face CGI’ed on. Movie Magic!
Resident Evil: Retribution – Everywhere
The fifth Resident Evil movie. Crazy, right? No, I mean, LITERALLY CRAZY. They keep coming, like zombies. The whole world is fucked, just take a buttload of pills and light yourself and all your possessions on fire because there is no hope.
The Eye of the Storm – Everywhere
An old Australian woman is dying and her entire household must deal with the comedy and tragedy of it. It looks disjointed and boring, and the only reason to watch it is if you want to see Judy Davis and Geoffrey Rush have a motherfucking act-off.
Girl Model – Lumiere
A documentary about the awful, exploitative world of modeling. This almost makes me thankful that Seventeen magazine didn’t call when I sent them a photo of my chub-a-lub 11-year-old self wearing nothing but a neon pink leotard and an artfully torn jean jacket. ALMOST–I coulda been great! But seriously, folks. The child exploitation aspect of modeling is extremely depressing, and also, it’s just bad for all ladies. It’s basically a form of human trade that capitalizes on women everywhere feeling terrible about themselves. What a shitty, sad business. But the documentary looks good!
Keep the Lights On – Embarcadero
This isn’t a movie about how sexy it is to make love to me, but rather a stark look at the complex nature of love and relationships. A young couple navigates the ins and outs of trying to make a life together when everything is so g-d hard! Go see this if you’re in the mood to be lectured about the difficulty of romantic relationships and/or you want to see two sexy men go at it. I know, it’s a difficult decision because being lectured blows but watching sexy men go at it is awesome. Godspeed in your decision, my friends.