The Bourne LegacyEverywhere
This is a sequel to the Bourne flicks that stars all-of-a-sudden-famous-person Jeremy Renner as a spy on the run who is thrown into a shitstorm that stupid Bourne created. What a dick, clean up your own damn mess, BOURNE! Anyway, it’s a goofy action flick that’s good summer watching, and Edward Norton is in it so is there anything else you need to know? Love that Norton!

The CampaignEverywhere
Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis (such a bitch to spell, can we just agree to give everyone the surname Smith from now on?) are a pair of idiots running for Congress. It’s a political satire about how fucked our election process is, how we value shiny objects over substance, and how ultimately, we’re all gonna burn in a ghastly inferno when the hell army comes down to destroy us. Plus, there are lots of dick jokes! What more could you ask for??/let’s commit group suicide.

Celeste and Jesse ForeverKabuki & Metreon
Twee flick about two young attractives trying to figure out life and love and all that stuff that young attractives are lucky enough to worry about. It’s charming and all, but I wish I could’ve rewritten it to include that she has foot-and-mouth-and-butt disease (it’s when your butt falls out of your butt) and the dude has to nurse her through it (EVEN THOUGH HIS MOM DIED OF THE SAME DISEASE WHILE BIRTHING HIM) but then the insurance falls out and he has to start stripping in a grocery store parking lot (they’re in a no strip club county, he has to get creative) to cover the medical bills and he ends up falling in love with a produce delivery man who is his biggest customer. See, I’m adding some DRAMA to the mix, some shit people want to watch. I don’t care about two young attractives who can’t figure out their stupid relationship, I go to the movies to be entertained, not to be bored watching two idiots not figure out they’re clearly in a half-dead relationship, and that it’s not a real problem and to JUST BREAK UP. That said, I’d give up my vision and hearing to have written it.

Easy MoneyLumiere
An action-adventure about a spy who mixes with Stockholm’s wealthy elite and then he pisses off the mafia so they come after him and he has to take care of his infant daughter, to boot! It’s like Three Men and a Little Lady, but with murder! So, pretty much the best film all year, and that ain’t no lie. See this at least three times.

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