The PossessionEverywhere
A couple’s young daughter buys a creepy box at a garage sale (what little girl wants a BOX? okay, sure.) and it’s haunted and shit gets crazy. This film has some good–not great–scares because most anything involving a little girl and a box of horror is fucking terrifying. If you’re in the mood for a good B-movie scare, go shit your pants this weekend!

Shia LaBeef and Tom Hardy (still not sure who this is? I think it’s Bane but I just can’t be sure and Google is in another window) are bad boy brother bootleggers in Prohibition-era Virginia. This movie has been made a million times (Rain agrees, here’s her review) with a better cast and script and unless you love the beef or the Bane (I think), then skip it and rent Dog Day Afternoon or sit through the super boring quality tv show, Boardwalk Empire. #Iamhelpful

2016: Obama’s AmericaEverywhere
“Documentary” about how Obama is Muslim or muslin or whatever and was actually born in a Kenyan’s butthole and surprise! He’s Chinese. Shut it down.

For a Good Time, Call…Century San Francisco Centre 9
See this! Lady comedy with lots of laughs! Two women move in together and join forces to run a very successful phone sex operation. I love this movie but my main quibble (YES QUIBBLE) is that they make tons of money running a phone sex line. That’s pretty much impossible, and I know this for a fact because as a woman who graduated college in the early aughts, it was pretty much the dream of every single one of my friends to run a phone sex line and they tried and in the end, all they earned was less than minimum wage and a mean case of tennis elbow. The cost of running the line, advertising and outreach, everyone starting to just whack it to the internet… you might as well get a job at Mickey D’s and call it a day.

Sleepwalk with MeEmbarcadero
Public Radio superhero Mike Birbiglia’s movie about how he sleepwalks and jumps out of windows and ruins love relationships. It looks charming, as if Ira Glass had produced it (he did), and I generally find Birbiglia very adorable and funny, and I’m sure I’ll laugh and laugh and BE TOUCHED, but essentially this movie is about how the pressure to marry his girlfriend of eight years led him to jump out of the window of a La Quinta. It’s the ultimate fear of commitment movie! Cathy’s Irving shoulda produced this bitch ACK!

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