Hit & Run – Everywhere
Road trip romance action adventure mish-mash of a film starring Kristen Bell, who everyone loves, and Dax Shepard, who everyone is unsure about. Well, let me tell you, if you want to see them making it work IRL, check out this episode of Punk’d. I know, I know, it’s the worst show, it can suck your dick, etc., but seriously, watch that and then tell me they’re not a very sweet and loving couple in a respectful and kind relationship AND ISN’T THAT WHAT WE ALL WANT? That last part was mainly for my boyfriend.
Premium Rush – Everywhere
Bike messengers finally have their day in the action-adventure sun! This looks like a pretty tight ride but what’s next in the high speed chase arena? Motorized scooters? Power walkers? Fuck it, why not baby strollers! A gang of hardscrabble babies get sucked into a whirlwind adventure when nannies around New York City start dropping like flies. I don’t know where I’m going with this but basically, that idea is for sale and won’t you please buy it PLEASE?
Cosmopolis – Embarcadero
Cronenberg’s latest, set in the near future because duh and starring Robert Pattinson because also, duh. He’s a wall street tycoon who’s the king of New York but his assassination is imminent and he has to piece together exactly how it’s gonna go down. But since it’s Cronenberg, it’s not as interesting as it sounds. I mean, am I right? Cronenberg’s specific version of art house cinema is purposefully WEIRD, indulgent, and masturbatory. Only go see this if you are still upset about the Pattinson-Stewart split and want to make sure he’s taken care of. Also, HE’S GONNA BE FINE, CRAZY, DON’T WASTE YOUR MONEY.
Robot & Frank – Embarcadero
Frank Langella becomes bff with a robot!!! This sounds REALLY good, and is getting excellent critical reception, which I know means shit, but I mean critical reception with me, which should mean a lot to you. Everything, really. Rain thought it was OK, here’s her review.